I asked Jenny, currently a non-transitioner, to do a guest post. Again, I did not offer much in the way of "rules". "Write what you wish...say what you want to say", is my motto to our guest writers.
What Jenny has to say in this excellent guest post is serious stuff. Visit her site if you want the humor. You won't find it here.
Oh, and I wanted to add that Jenny had her wife review this essay prior to sending it to me. That does say a lot about the love and mutual respect for each other in their marriage, doesn't it?
If you wish to contact Jenny, you can find her email address on her blog or, perhaps, you can find her lurking around the T-Central Facebook site, shown near the bottom of this page.
- Calie
It's not the winning, it's the taking part
When Calie asked me to write a piece about being a non-transitioner I was reminded of the quote attributed to Zhou Enlai, the 20th century Chinese politician and diplomat. When asked whether in his opinion the French Revolution of 1789 had been a success, Zhou is reported to have remarked that it was too soon to say. I'm self-declared in my aim to avoid transitioning to the female role, but only my obituarist will be qualified to comment on whether I achieved that aim.
At different times recently I have been shocked by people close to me accepting of their own volition that at some time in the future I will inevitably lose my personal battle with gender dysphoria and have to seek a medical solution, hormones and possibly surgery. Hearing this from my mother or my wife brings mixed emotions, sadness because I'm doing it for them as much as myself and relief that if I ever do reach the precipice those around me will still be there for me. A throwaway remark from my wife in a conversation about skincare - "When you have the hormones you'll have fewer zits then!" I am ashamed to say brought tears to my eyes, "When", not "If".
So in this light, why don't I go back to the doc and ask for a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic? After all, I've passed the first hurdle and thanks to the NHS it's free so I only have to ask and wait my turn. Simple, putting aside my height and passing issues for a minute I may have used the word "Accepting" in the paragraph above, but the truth is closer to "Resignation". Two of the people I care the most about in the world do not want to lose me, my wife doesn't want to lose her husband and my mother doesn't want to lose her son, and the fact that they care about me enough to accept that transition is a possibility does not change the fact that my doing so would hurt them. I know this is a contentious point in our community because there are many among us who have been to Hell and back trying to hold it all together but we will have all encountered people who plough ahead with little regard for the effect on those around them and I have no wish to join their ranks. It's no use saying "I'll still be me!" because to them I won't be, I'll have been replaced by an oversized and let's face it, rather unattractive middle aged woman who looks enough like the me that was to remind them of what they've lost every time they see me.
To be in this position and decide to stay as bloke you have to have some damned good reasons. They are the rocks you cling to when you have a bad week and you feel yourself being swept towards the edge and they are the rope ladder you inch your way back up towards safety. But to fully understand your resistance you also have to examine your conditions for capitulation and be prepared to accept that at some point they may be met. The main one is pretty obvious, the brain says "Mostly girl!" and my body disagrees, but that alone is not enough. If my wife ever left me I'd still have this conversation because the rest of my life would be a long time to have regrets. Someone in a very similar position to me though not AFAIK in the blogosphere and who made a different choice a decade ago said to me a few months back: "Only do it if you absolutely have to", and I took her advice to heart. For me I guess that condition would be met if I found myself returning to contemplating suicide, having been there in the past I think I'd be better placed to support my wife as an unconvincing woman than a dead bloke, something she and I are in agreement over.
In reality though there is no winning and losing in this game. It's important to face this head-on because it is unfair to tag someone who's fought this corner as either winner or loser no matter their outcome. Sure I've used words like "lose" and "capitulation", but "winning" and "losing" implies that one path is a good one and the other is a bad one. Can living as a sometime-crossdressing bloke whose bouts of depression and girl fog take a toll on those around him and his ability to earn a living really be described as "winning"? No more than becoming an unconvincing and probably lonely woman causing similar heartache to those around her can. I can't think of a route that leads to a sure-fire "win", but neither do all routes lead to "lose". Staying as a bloke for example isn't a complete "lose" in my case because I guess I'm fortunate that at least physically as a big bloke I'm rather good at it on the outside. I have simply tried to pick the path that leads to as little "lose" as possible for all involved.
It would have been too easy when writing a post about not transitioning to enunciate the day-to-day grind of coping with it all. But others have already done a far better job of that than I have and since I mostly follow their advice it would be pretty pointless to rehash it. What I've tried to explain here is not how, but why I continue to sample the myriad joys of gender dysphoria when compared to many others I am in the fortunate position of having both as accepting an environment as I could reasonably hope for and a readily accessible (though not perfect) healthcare regime just waiting for my call. Because sometimes, even to me, it all seems rather crazy.
Jenny
ReplyDeleteI'm speechless at an almost perfect post about where you are. I might even be forced to cross post it on my own blog as it is truly outstanding.
Like you I have also found myself coming to the conclusion that if I ever find myself standing at the river again and wondering what to do it would be time to do what our minds demand daily. I hope none of us have to go that place -ever.
Very well and honestly said Jenny. I hope you do indeed manage to fight and hold onto your present life (no matter how hard it gets), and not drag your loved ones into the world of transition hurt. I can honestly say I wouldn't even wish on people I dislike, the resultant regretful everlasting feeling that digs itself deep within the soul of a loving father and husband. I had been that loving 'Father and Husband' once, and gave it up to become who I am today.
ReplyDeleteI'm luckier than many, for I have retained some contact with my accepting children.....but I'm sure you will agree that it is just not the same.
I'm also lucky that I transitioned well, and can fit in the female role easily. You explain it well, just how much harder it would be for someone who does not pass as well in the 'steriotypical' woman based form and role.
Your friend sums it up well, "Only do it if you absolutely have to".....very wise words from one who knows from experience the down sides to transition.
Now comes the part that I've kept to myself, and feel I can now say after reading your story. I do believe for all of us who genuinely know we are the gender other than the physical one at birth, that it is not a question of 'if' we transition but rather 'when'. Time and circumstance is all that separates us from from the choices we make, for I genuinely don't believe for a minute that any one of us are heartless enough to cast aside loved ones through 'selfishness'.
In my case I had to transition, just as I believe many of you reading this who have not taken the route yet.....will do one day.
If you don't believe me, then ask yourself this question: "Can you see yourself on your death bed as your birth gender, knowing that when you die, your tomb stone will describe someone other than who you really are"?
Alex. x
An excellent post, Jenny! I don't know whether to be happy that you have such an accepting wife and mother, or sad that you are trapped between your deep love for them, and your need to conquer your GID. As I have seen with so many sisters, marriage further complicates a life that is already filled with too many complications. I don't know how those of you who are married do it. I never married, and once I accepted who I was, I could never have a normal male/female relationship again, and so I have remained celibate for almost 35 years. I hope things work out for the best, for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
You explain it well, just how much harder it would be for someone who does not pass as well in the 'steriotypical' woman based form and role
ReplyDeleteI wish I could destroy this meme, grind it into powder, and toss into the eye of a tornado, thereby forever banishing it from the sight of people.
Until you actually transition, get on hormones, and spend some time doing your thing, no one can really tell how accepted or "successful" they will be in their new role. Heck, that's why we have a "Real Life Test", or whatever you want to call it. I am just as tall as Jenny is, was the very definition of masculine-appearing, but I do just fine in the big scary world. But I would be happier if I had transitioned ten years earlier, which I probably would have had I not been busy listening to all this non-sense about needing to fit a certain body type or physical appearance.
Jenny has cited many good reasons not to transition. Her own body image issues aren't irrelevant...if that's a consideration for her, that's her business. I wouldn't even tell her not to write about it...we need to be able to vent that stuff. But as a community we put forward the idea of the "one true way" and I'm here to tell those who might be out there lurking and being discouraged, like I was for so many years, that the world isn't quite as harsh as we sometimes paint it.
I have no advice. I do not even understand my own situation. It just WAS, and I did the best I could to deal with it. I was blessed. I was so fortunate not only to have survived but to have prospered, with no regrets and no walking wounded left in my wake.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have just recently returned to my "roots"(?)/"beginnings"(?), I cannot help but compare my outcome to the pain and pathos of which the stories related here, represent but a tiny fraction. And YOU are the survivors!!! You are all still among the living, despite all that you have suffered and struggled through.
I will say this, and I believe it may be in disagreement with Alex's perspective, but only patially.
I agree that there is no "right way" to do this. We each make our own bed that we must lie in. We can only live with the decisions that we have made. We live with the consequences of our actions.
In my case those consequences were mine and mine alone, Because I transitioned very young, there were no children, no immediate relatives that would be mortally wounded.
I am of the opinion that we can never retrace our steps, we can only move forward. In our lives, in this existance, there is no "re-load" button. There are no "do-overs" We can only move forward through time.
Having said that it is my hope that we each as individuals will move forward in a positive way. We will make future decisions based on what we have learned from our past mistakes.
I sincerely believe that what we are all doing here, by sharing our life's experiences, is offering ourselves, and what we have learned through hard experience, to others that they might learn from our mistakes and possibly gain some insight, some clue on how to deal with their individual situation.
I think taht if you can possibly survive without transitioning then that without doubt in MY opinion is the best option. I beleivethat with the right frame of mind and attitude it is BY FAR the best way to go.
Transition under the best of circumstances is a very, VERY, difficult row to hoe. Anyone who tells you it was easy is either lying or deluded. The price is your life. That is the bet. You are betting YOUR LIFE and in many cases the lives of your most dearly beloved as well.
The choices are NOT easy, the options, not always good. It is like my husband says...growing old is not for the feint of heart. But then on the other hand. Consider the alternative.
I have no advice. I do not even understand my own situation. It just WAS, and I did the best I could to deal with it. I was blessed. I was so fortunate not only to have survived but to have prospered, with no regrets and no walking wounded left in my wake.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I haqve just recently returned to my "roots"(?)/"beginnings"(?), I cannot help but compare my outcome To the pain and pathos of which the stories related here, represent but a tiny fraction. And YOU are the survivors!!! You are all still among the living, despite all that you have suffered and struggled through.
I will say this, and I believe it may be in disagreement with Alex's perspective, but only patially.
I agree that there is no "right way" to do this. We each make our own bed that we must lie in. We can only live with the decisions that we have made. We live with the consequences of or actions.
In my case those consequences were mine and mine alone, Because I transitioned very young, there were no children, no immediate relatives that would be mortally wounded.
I am of the oinion that we can never retrace our steps, we can only move for ward. In our lives, in this existance, there is no "re-load" buttun. There are no "do-overs" We can only move forward through time.
Having said that it is my hope that we each as individuals will move forward in a positive way. We will make future decisions based on what we have learned from our past mistakes.
I sincerely believe that what we are all doing here, by sharing our life's experiences, is offering to ourselves, and what we have learned through hard experience, to others thatthey might learn and possibly gain some insight, some clue on how to deal with their individual situation.
gypere
It's funny, my height was definitely one of the factors that kept me in the closet for so long, only out to my wife. But I've come to see it for what it is, a defensive wall, and one from which bricks fall every time I look in the mirror and see something of my sister. It's not insurmountable but I'd be lying if I tried to claim it was irrelevant.
ReplyDeleteHowever this post wasn't about that. I set it on one side because it's not an experience relevant to most readers. More general passing issues I'm likely to share with some others without the resources for FFS though and it was those I was really referring to when I used the word "unconvincing" to describe my likely outcome.
I was just under 6' tall when I transitioned. I think that I have lost an inch or more over the course of my life. Interestingly, through diet and exercise, I still weigh what I did in college although the weight and muscle mass are in totally different places.
ReplyDeleteI think that"passing" is crucial. It is a cruel measure, but that is the "price of acceptance" that is imposed upon us by the "mainstream" world. Is this right? Is this fair? Who said life was fair?
Try talking "fair" to the reality that is Life. I do not believe that "life" is listening. All we can do is make our way as best we can.
I would never, ever argue with someone's decision whether or not to transition. No one is in a better position than you to know what is best for your own life and circumstance.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I have to agree with Renee's comment above. The "I'll never pass" notion holds almost all of us back. Then, when we find we can't last any longer without transitioning, we realize we would have passed much better if we had only started transition sooner.
In my case I passed through a stage which would have echoed your post very strongly. I was sure I would never pass, and that I would destroy my family and my career. I knew I could play the male role well enough - objectively speaking I had everything going for me as a guy and only chaos and destruction awaiting if I transitioned.
And then, gradually and over years, I started shutting down. One day I realized I simply couldn't continue any more with that life. It was truly "transition or death" for me then. And while it is certainly the truest test of whether or not you must transition, I'm pretty sure the chances of survival for anyone who hits that point are 50/50 at best. It's not the best time to change course. It's merely the last time to change.
Anyway, that's my reaction to a very strong and well-written post. Thanks for sharing. I hope whatever your transition decision has been by the time your obituary is written it will have been the right one for you.