This is a guest post, from long-time blogger, Caroline. While her Time Regained Blog is still listed, she's been having trouble with various components of the Blogger site, including comments. If you wish to comment, please do so here and Caroline will see them.
I
find it hard to believe that it is now exactly seven years ago that I
was relaxing calmly in my room in Brighton. I had been through all the
reception routine and just making a few calls to close friends and doing
some online chat with well wishers, They had told me that I would be
operated on early the next day which was something of a relief not
having to face a long wait with my mind racing…
I
had traveled the 530 miles down by train the previous day and spent the
evening at a restaurant with Lucy a long time online friend who I had met
up with when I had to attend my pre-op appointment. From the moment we
spotted each other we became close friends and have continued to meet
since then and shall be together in just there months as she explores
the country with her caravan. In the morning I had wandered along the
sea front, much changed since the holiday at the age of ten when the
family stayed with friends in an apartment overlooking the beach and
Piers. It was a fresh cold morning with snow forecast, just the sort of
thing I had feared would ruin my whole project! Eventually I took
shelter in the Lanes, a winding series of roads lined with interestingly
quirky shops, the centre of nightlife in the town. In truth I was just
using the chance to make a quick exploration before my arranged midday
registration at the edge of town Private health clinic which the NHS
contracted for all Scottish patients. This sounds like a Monty Python
sort of decision being almost as far from home as it is possible to be
south of where I live but it turns out to be much more civilised than
the London Clinic used by most other Patients…
After
a few hours I took a taxi ride to my fate. I was given a room in this
hilltop clinic with a sweeping view down the fields to the sea beyond
and already signs of snow lying in places from the night before. I have
rarely had a hotel room on my travels with space and views like this!
Best of all I get the view from the bed where I shall be prisoner for
some days to come.
My
greatest surprise was the feeling of utter calm. Once I had boarded the
train south I had started to relax and I had not had a moment of
anxiety through the whole journey to this room. What I had anticipated
was a heart thumping gush of emotion when left alone to contemplate the
procedure the next day and everything that I had gone through to reach
this point. A journey which started before I was three when my sisters
were born and plunged me into confusion. At four and a half I had a
small crisis which caused me to construction emotional defence barrier
to never show my true self or shed a tear until the transformation to
adult, surely female adult, was complete.
I
was facing a serious operation. The clinic had a hundred percent
success rate, occasional setbacks for some patients and with my
miserable self healing system I was expecting a less than text book
process. They said that my request for a DNR should have been made in
advance, I suspect that they did not wish to ruin their perfect score
just because I did not want to be jump started… I had got to my target
finishing line, anything extra would be a bonus, I could now die happy.
Asking about the impending snow I was assured that many staff just stay
on in the clinic if they feel that getting back will be too difficult
and best of all the surgeon told me that he could walk in! Just as well
since overnight the snow came and brought the country to a halt for the
best part of a week.
I
doubt that my pulse rate was a beat faster than normal. I had reached
the point of rescue which I had been told in my late teens would never
happen in my lifetime. I was going to be able to spend the rest of my
life as I had always known I should.
As
if to remind me of my special trip deep snow has once again fallen in
Brighton at this time. Hard to believe that now a significant part of
life has been spent as me…
Love Caroline xx
My partner, K, has commented on how calm I was on the day of my surgery as well, but how could one be anything but happy and calm when doing something you have waited for all your life?
ReplyDeleteThanks Halle, may many others follow us and experience that same calm.
ReplyDelete