Thoughts & Reflections - Joyful Girl

8 Awesome Things About Finding Out Your Husband Is a Woman is the title Joyful Girl has chosen for her Thoughts and Reflections post on T-Central.

Joyful Girl is a wonderful, open minded, woman who has come not only to accept her transgender partner, but to embrace her. The two of them have also brought a third partner into their relationship and the love between this trio continues to grow.

I want to thank Joyful Girl for sharing her story with us and via her blog, Transfinite Love.

My husband and I met my first year of college, and we had an utterly conventional relationship for our first twelve years together. When she came out as transgender, I felt like my life was over. Everything was shattered-- my identity, my expectations for our marriage, plans for our future. I grieved every night for weeks, curled up and bawling on the bathroom floor.

The most devastating part was knowing our beautiful marriage would eventually come to an end. We felt like soul mates and perfect life partners, but there was no way to reconcile my sexual orientation with her transition. Either I would be a straight girl trying to live the rest of my life as a lesbian, or the two of us could break up and settle for being best friends. The former seemed impractical. The latter seemed inevitable and caused much despair.

When we discovered the polyamorous possibility through some new friends at the local LGBT center, everything clicked. We could redefine our marriage in a way that worked for us. We could stay happily married and still get all our needs met. We read The Ethical Slut, a guide to non-monogamy, and discussed it together at length before opening up our relationship. Then we proceeded to approach both her transition and our new lifestyle with a united sense of adventure and team-work.

It’s been a year and a half since my wife started hormones and we opened our marriage. It’s been one of the most challenging periods of my life, but also the most gratifying. Here are some of the best things that have happened since she came out:

1. I get to watch my spouse find herself and find hope. She was suicidally depressed for most of her life and never felt right in her own skin, but didn’t know why. When she finally found the answer and solution--gender dysphoria and transition-- my spouse had a lightness and hope that I’d never seen in all the years we’d been together. It is a privilege witnessing someone I love dearly become her true self and a more joyful person.

2. It made our marriage stronger. I thought that we had an unbreakable bond and unconditional love, but we hadn’t experienced any challenges to test the “or for worse” part of our wedding vows. Transition wound up being an opportunity to grow together, to get to know each other on a deeper level.

3. It liberated us from monogamy. Throughout our marriage, I had unmet desires that my spouse couldn’t fulfill. I bottled up my sexuality and resigned myself to being satisfied with less, in order to be be a faithful wife. Now I explore my wildest fantasies openly and honestly, without compromising our relationship.

4. I am empowered to live out my dreams. Her transition shook me out of all the “shoulds” I was living under-- what a marriage should be, what my career should be, what my goals should be. I realized that this is my chance to become my true self too. I am turning off auto-pilot and getting in touch with who I am and what I want out of life. If my spouse can change genders, heck I can do anything too.

5. I gained perspective. I am starting to understand heterosexual privilege, cisgender privilege, monogamous privilege, the socially constructed gender binary, bigotry against the LGBT community, how the LGBT community isn’t even one community, feminism, and living outside social norms. It’s like I’ve seen the Matrix and I want everyone else to wake up and see it too so the world can become more fair and accepting.

6. We found community. We have a group of loving, supportive friends who have become a second family. They are transgender, genderqueer, bisexual and polyamorous in various combinations, but we all share a common bond of living outside hetero-normative culture. As a result, everyone possesses a similar degree of critical thought and compassion, and I feel like these are my people. I found my tribe.

7. I borrow my wife’s clothes. She gives me shirts she ordered online that don’t fit, accessorizes me when she has a scarf that matches my outfit better, and loans me her underwear when I’m procrastinating on laundry. Plus, she has taught me about makeup and introduced me to life-changing eyebrow gel. Being married to a woman sure has its style perks.

8. I have an abundance of love. I have two life partners now-- a wife and a boyfriend. The  three of us have inexplicably become a highly functional and happy family unit, and we dream of raising children together one day. We also have the freedom to date other people, and I find myself falling in love yet again. I have never been so full of love and gratitude.

I was content before with my conventional life, but in a muted, black and white kind of way. Something didn’t fit quite right, something was missing, but I was happy enough living the way I “should.” Now the world is in technicolor, full of bright adventure and unlimited possibility. For the first time I feel like I’m fully living. Against all expectations, my life is wonderful because my spouse is transgender, not despite it. 

Was this such a good idea after all?

I'm wondering if this whole thing of becoming a woman was such a good idea after all??

 

 

 

I saw the title of this post and wondered if it had a de-transition theme to it.

 

Read Leigh Anne's thoughtful post, and find out!  

 

Was this such a good idea after all?

She's Finally Happy

    It isn't something we do as a matter of course, feature our own posts. But Calie, our fellow editor here at T-Central, has published a piece that we the other T-Central editors feel you need to read.
    Suicide is an ever-present shadow in our community. It's been in the news recently following the death of Leelah Alcorn, but for every one that makes the news there are countless more that pass unseen and unheard.
    It's one of those suicides that Calie's writing about. Made more horrifying from our point of view because the person's parent was also transgender, and neither knew about the other.

    Please follow the link at the end of this sentence and read it, and if you're living unseen have a think about who knows about you: She's Finally Happy

XXY: Reflections of Gender in Children

http://www.slideshare.net/OseniSaheedOluwasina/male-gonadal

I read a story from a parent recently which was so very sad. Their child was raised as a boy, the parents insisted they had checked and knew their child was a boy. Didn't need some gender doctor to tell them that, just a waste of money. Instead they did everything they could to make that child a boy.. and when he didn't fit in they punished him. When that didn't work they medicated him.. when that didn't work they encouraged people outside the home to change the childs manifest destiny to make HIM a MALE like all the other boys. Just one problem... at the age of 16 he killed himself. 

Digital Life in a Binary World is an intersex blog.  The author, who identifies as Onnineko in the blog world, was diagnosed at the age of 35 with XXy, commonly called Klinefelter’s Syndrome.  In this post, XXY: Reflections of Gender in Children, Onnineko relates a similar childhood experience to what is described above. 

Pain

Things in so many ways were just the way they always were; falling apart. I felt that I was being selfish. My therapist said I needed to be truthful with my wife. Too much drama was already going on. No way I was going to add to it. Fuck it, I will just bitterly swallow it. Better to suffer in silence. I did suffer; but so did everyone else, not in silence.

Pain is a powerful post from Brenda.  Do read it and and see if you can relate.

I don't think we've featured Brenda's blog in the past.  It's the kind of blog I like to read.  Intimate thoughts, shared with others who are like-minded.  It's well written and easy to read.  Do check it out and consider leaving Brenda a comment when you do.

To learn more about Brenda, check out her "about" post, Who Am I.

From Zero to Woman In…

“How did you go from ice road trucker to dresses in a year?”

This is the question Natalie was asked by her co-workers.  Natalie has moved quickly.  Her name is official and she's now officially "out" in every aspect of her life and life is good.

Read From Zero to Woman In... for the details. Great post from Natalie!

Crossdreamers Really Do Love Estrogen

An excellent guest post, by Moon, on Jack Molay's Crossdreamers blog on the effects of estrogen on her body and psyche.  The post is titled Crossdreamers Really Do Love Estrogen.  A very interesting post and well worth taking the time to read.


Jack does have this disclaimer:

Neither Moon nor me are medical doctors. The reflections presented here are not to be considered medical advice. Male to female crossdreamers who would like to experiment with estrogen should contact a health professional first.

Transsexual Archeology

The new me is getting her life sorted out and while stuck at home i decided to clear out an old under stair storage space.

The "under stair storage space" Ruby is referring to is what some of would refer to as our "stash".  It's winter.   It's cold.  It's time for some cleaning and Ruby is re-discovering those artifacts from her past that are no longer needed and no longer need to be hidden from the view of others.

I'm sure many will relate to Ruby's post, Transsexual archeology.

Would I have turned out like this, anyway?

I really think that the way I am made - meaning my unchangeable, underlying character and personality, inevitably the same whatever physical version of me had been born - would bring me willy-nilly to my present position, whether I had been born with a girl's body or not.



Lucy's thinking again.... 

Oh wait, isn't that the name of another blog we have listed?  

No, that's Hannah's blog.

But I digress...

Lucy is thinking and her thoughts deserve your viewing and comments.  She wonders just what her life would have been like had she actually been born female in the 1950's instead of transitioning to female in the 2000's.  Would she have grown up a completely different person?

The answer may be in the excerpt, above.  Do read it all, however.  As usual, Lucy's blog posts are well written and, well, make us all think again.  The post is, Would I have turned out like this, anyway?

Transgender Q&A

...we just need to get our heads out of our butts and realize that the world is not black and white, there are many wonderful shades of grey (and pink and purple and green and blue…etc…etc.)!

Oh Yes!!

It is so nice to see an open-minded mom who has done her homework.  In this post, she does a Q&A defining "transgender", as she understands the word but, and more importantly, addressing questions as to how and why she sees her child as transgender and how she is addressing her child's gender issues.

Nicely written and researched.

Gina resides in Southern California and has two lovely kids and a supportive husband.  In her words: I am just a mom, trying to make my way in this crazy and wonderful world and doing a pretty good job if I do say so myself!

Go HERE for Transgender Q&A.

Public Bathrooms and Having No Gender

It seems there are more rules in the men’s room than there are in the women’s and I don’t know the rules.

The bathroom debate has been around for a long time.  Lesboi, however, has a different twist on this debate.  The different twist, at least for me, is that this post is about a woman transitioning to male who is wondering when to switch rooms and how the guys will react if she is clocked.

The post is titled,  Public Bathrooms and Having No Gender.

Christmas For Two & Family Trans-Education

Joyful Girl and Jay are in a polyamorous marriage and Bradley is her boyfriend. That seems simple enough to understand, for me, and probably for you too, but there is a lot that is not simple for the civilians who we hope to educate.

 "Last month we found out that Bradley's mom forgot to tell her husband that she had invited Jay as well as myself. Her husband had concerns about Jay's transgender "lifestyle choice," and made it clear that I was the only one who was welcome to join Bradley for Christmas."

Bradley was unhappy with the situation, so he wrote an essay to his extended family; a wonderful, informative essay. We might all want to take a copy and pass it around.

Head on over to Transfinite Love to read Christmas for Two & Family Trans-Education

Collateral Effects

The person I was five years ago would ask this person I am now "Why are you still writing this blog?"

Want the answer?  Read Halle's 300th post, Collateral Effects.