my year in review

I am so worried and anxious.  I still just do not know what to do or what my next step should be.  I have a follow-up with the clinic in the beginning of next year and still unsure if I should go.  I feel ashamed and not genuine as a trans person since I harbor these doubts, and not able to voice these to anyone.  I know I could probably find someone to understand if I attended a social or support group, but that is just not what I am able to do and that makes me so sad and alone.







Jaclyn (so pretty in that picture above) has had a rough year and writes about it in her year in review.  I'm astounded when I see blog posts that are just screaming out for comments and end up with none.  I hope this feature generates some response for Jaclyn.

Learning curves

Like many others, in the early days, at least from when my senses demanded that I wore a bra, filling the cups  was merely something that was easiest to hand, and was usually some old thick socks rolled up into a ball. Then, as the desire came upon me that this bosom that loomed forward in the lower periphery of my vision should have the weight, if not the movement, of what the garment was designed to contain, I started to look around for something more realistic.


Lynn mentioned her Learning Curves post as one of the blog-related highlights of 2016 in her latest post, Looking back and forward.  Learning curves is actually a guest post from Val, one of the members of Lynn's TG group, The Nottingham Chameleons.  Somehow, I missed this post (I do lead a very active life and reading blogs is just a small part of it!) and I'm really sorry I did.  In this post, Val discusses that subject of filling the cups (probably the title I would have used, Lynn!).  It's an amusing post, and you wouldn't believe what happened when she used the old tried-and-true method of the filling the balloons.  

By the way, I've tried socks, tissues, rice, and balloons before finally settling on making the most of what I have along with a couple of fillets.  Anyone have other good ideas?

This is a good time for me to point out just how much fun it can be to join a group of the like-minded.  I belong to a very active group, as does Lynn on the other side of the pond.  It's no fun living with gender dysphoria by yourself.  If there is a TG group in your community, do consider joining.  We do have a listing of a few groups on the right side of the T-Central home page.  I'd like to list more, so send me links if you know of some.

I take up the challenge

I decided to take up Calie’s challenge and write a blog post about why some people stop going out dressed after a while. This issue was brought up by in her introduction to a T-Central featured post from the “All About My Lucy” blog.


Joanna gave T-Central a shout-out, so back at ya, girl!  Thanks for taking up the challenge!

Demarcation Point?

Is the bra a line between a cross dresser and a transgender woman?









This is a short post, from Crysti. It's all about the bra.  Can't wait to put it on or can't wait to take it off?  Could that be the demarcation point?

The Shadow of Ally

Some lives are filled with pain, doubt and confusion from the very beginning. Such is the story of The Shadow of Ally which could be called "the liberation of Ally". Walk side by side with this wonder filled account of a life of destruction. That started in the 70's and shows the amazing strength of the human spirit to overcome and thrive. Take a walk with Allen and Ally as they lead you through their many years.

Walk with them on the historical dream of an American Family as it spirals into self destruction where they had to survive disconnected parents. Feel the pain of a child who suffers at the hands of ferocious bullying. Be with them as they try to succeed in the American school systems as it also failed to support them in their educational needs. Try to grasp the understanding of poor choices and how they lead to self destructive behaviors.

All at the same time longing for love and understanding from an unsympathetic mother. Be with them as they learn that faith, family and friends don't always work together. Stand with Allen and Ally as they learn all of these paths have lead them to a deeper understanding of true self discovery.
 

December 22nd was a big day for Aleana.  It was the day she published The Shadow of Ally and she is so excited to have actually done it!  The excitement is contagious, so I thought that her efforts deserve to be featured on T-Central.

The Shadow of Ally is the book.

In addition, she has done three Q/A posts about her life and what she has written in the book.  Her answers are honest, and she has addressed questions that many wouldn't discuss openly.

Below are links to her question and answer posts.

Question Time

Question Time #2

Question Time #3

 

 

 

The State Of My Dysphoria and Hanukkah Miracles

My genitalia do not define my gender, and I can’t quite imagine what they’d look like if they did. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m only avoiding situations that induce dysphoria. I’m tip-toeing around it at the gym.






Another good post from, trans-masculine, Jamie Ray. And, what are those Hanukkah miracles?  You'll have to read The State Of My Dysphoria and Hanukkah Miracles to find out.

Christmas in Women’s Underwear

When I heard Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear the first time, I was inspired to write my own Christmas song parody. Mine is called Miss Stana's Song and it is sung to the tune The Christmas Song, that is, Nat King Cole's big Christmas hit ("Chestnuts roasting in an open fire... yadda yadda yadda").




This week, Stana has featured several posts on her Femulate mega-blog, all titled Christmas in Women’s Underwear.  Post #1 has Stana's words to the song (you can sing it in your head!).  The rest of the posts discuss holiday dinners with friends, wig tips, makeup tips, and even a funny cartoon titled, 9 Out of 10 Men Wear the Wrong Size Bra.

 
Post #2

Post #3

Post #4

Post #5 

Post #6

Milestones (a/k/a The Breast Years of My Life)

It scarcely seems possible that it has been five years since that day I stood in my bedroom, seemingly forever, staring at those pills in my hand that I knew would change my life forever.



 


My good friend, Cass, has given us a five year update, in Milestones.  Doesn't she look gorgeous?

Feminine Differential - The Smile

What is the single most important feminine item to wear.  Skirt vs Pants – NO. Heels vs Flats - NO. These two items can be gender neutral and depending on culture/historical time, either masculine or feminine. The one item that women wear consistently more than men – a smile. 





Rhonda never seems to run out of ideas for her Feminine Differential series.  This time, it's The Smile.

Why I’m not a Butch

......I really didn’t know anything about the T in LGBTQ until about 7 or 8 years ago.  I didn’t understand what it meant to be Transgender until I had a friend who was MTF and she spent a lot of time educating me.  What I realized from talking to her over a period of time was that we were a lot alike, except the opposite. 



This featured post was written as a response to a comment left on a post titled The Deeper Side of Transition, which was featured on T-Central about a week ago.

If you have ever wondered just what goes through the mind of a female-to-male transitioner read Why I’m not a Butch, a really well written post.  For me, it was very enlightening.

Trans community friends from times past and present

I stayed in touch with a couple of wives and we have now been friends on and off Facebook for quite a few years now. With those I have stayed in touch with it appears their husbands have reverted to being male and do not dress any more and certainly don’t go out.


Avril is the wife of transitioning Lucy.  In this post, among other subjects, she talks about the friends they used to go out with in the days when Lucy was first emerging.  Nothing unusual here.  "Going out" groups are all over the map and have been for years.  What did pique my interest was the paragraph, above.  Husbands reverting back to being male and do not dress any more?  I really find that hard to believe.  We all know that it never goes away, right?  Someone needs to do a blog post on this subject.

Trans community friends from times past and present is a fun blog post, from Lucy's very loving and accepting wife, Avril.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive.



Joanna wrote this powerful, telling-it-like-it-is, post a week ago and I only saw one comment.  Joanna gets it....the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria, when many so-called "experts" don't.   There is some R-rated language in this post, so be advised.

Transitional thoughts

What if an obsession with ‘passing’ is just a symptom of internalised transphobia? We’ve been inculcated by the dominant culture with the notion that you can’t call yourself a ‘woman’ unless you look and sound convincingly like one. Add to that a persistent homophobia – once internalised difficult to shake off, however liberal your outward views – which is wary of any ‘female’ inflections of ‘male’ dress or gesture, and it becomes very hard to accept others who crossdress or to go out ‘dressed’ yourself.




There's a lot in those two sentences, above, and there's even more in transitional thoughts, from Dabrela.

The Deeper Side of Transition

Another, deeper, side to transitioning is erasure of our pasts.  Now that I look male, people make a lot of assumptions about my past that just aren’t true.  I did not have all of the opportunities handed to me that I would have if I’d been born with male genitalia.  I was not raised as a boy.  I never was a Boy Scout.  I never played Little League or any male sport growing up.


The Deeper Side of Transition, written from the view of a transman, is a really relevant post that applies to both transmen and transwomen. 

And, I never played a sport and I was never a Boy Scout.  I get it!

Alternatives to transition

Well, what are the alternatives to transition? It felt like that macho act is the only one, but can you live like a feminine male? A Beta-male, perhaps? Would you change from your normal appearance, which gives a lot of cis privilege, if there was any alternative? Being Beta-male and quite that feminine was far more frightening than transition, perhaps because transition was the societally sanctioned escape route.



Alternatives to transition is more of a question than an answer....from Clare.

If I Knew Then...

So, there you go, a very short version of fifty plus years of discovery for me. Starting cross dressing and ending as the proud transgender woman I am today has taken its exciting and then again scary turns for me.





We haven't visted Cyrsti's Condo lately.  She hasn't been too active as of late, but she's back with, If I Knew Then..., a short summary of her past 50 years or so.  

50 years?  Cyrsti....you don't look a day over 40, girl!

On Not Using The Locker Room

I started to think that I should reconsider, and try to find a way to reclaim my space in the women’s locker room. Then I realized that I’m past that point, and that there is no turning back.






Whether you're transitioning from female-to-male or male-to-female, there comes a point when the locker room you have been using becomes the wrong one.  Jamie Ray has a few comments On Not Using The Locker Room.

Hello Suicide, My Old Friend, I've Come to Talk with You Again

I knew that when I decided to transition I was going to have to destroy my old life, but I had hoped to do that by replacing piece after piece gently with something better. Instead, I had the foundation ripped out from under me and I’ve been forced to watch everything that I once was collapse around me into a giant heap of rubble.

 

I thought long and hard about featuring this post, from Emma.  I try to be diverse in the kinds of posts I feature, and I think Halle and Jenny will agree with the posts they've featured in the past.  I try to stay away from the "down" posts, but his one needs to be read.

I have known several who have the dark thoughts Emma outlines in her post.  Most have survived and are now leading happy and productive lives.  In my heart I hope, and indeed know, this will also be the case for Emma.

 

Please note the first, heartfelt, comment to this post and do consider filing a comment yourself.

Overthinking on a slow weekend

I really dislike that my wife (and other women) can just get out of bed and be slobs and still look beautiful and sexy. If I did that, I would look like a guy, exactly like a guy wearing an over-sized shirt and panties. It’s something I can typically ignore, compartmentalize, until I start over-thinking it later.

Putting on a wig, fake boobs, etc., is just not right.  Beth wants real breasts, real hair, etc.  Turns out it was a slow weekend, and perhaps she was just overthinking.  This is a post that I probably could have written.  I get it, Beth!

Confidence...gone. Right When I Need It Most.

I've lost all confidence in who I am because a Judge is questioning my parenting. Not because I'm a bad parent, but because I am transgender (which, no doubt in his mind means I'm a bad parent).



There is much more to this featured post than the title suggests.  You're just going to have to read it to get the rest of the story.

2015 Trans Survey

As for partners, it seems that the younger generation has it a little bit better than the older generations and my generation has it the hardest. No surprise there for me, I know how hard it is to find a partner. And for our children…



In two posts (so far), Diana has done a nice job summarizing the huge 2015 US Transgender Survey Report.  The complete report is 302 pages.  My busy life leaves me little time to read the entire report, so I appreciate reading Diana's summaries.  Go to 2015 US Trans Survey Part 1 and Part 2.  There are more summary posts o come, so watch her blog. 

crossed wires....

We are attracted to women but also want to emulate and be them. Hence the less dysphoric you are the better you will be able to lead a normal sex life with a female partner. This is why you will often see occasional crossdressers have little conflict with their everyday lives and their secret ones. They are able to compartmentalize them more effectively.


Joanna has written two posts on the subject that is too often swept under the carpet.  Start by reading part 1, and then go to part 2.

Misgendering

It is currently the Christmas season, and the rich people who patronize our store are getting more and more feral.  And in their "holiday spirit," they make it a point to insult me on their way out. 

Misgendering can be incredibly insulting and rude, and Sophie is mad as hell about it.  Her current post has attracted several comments.  If you haven't read it, take the time to check it out.  

Isn't she lovely in that picture?  Girl, I love the hair and the smile!

What A Weekend

So then why did I say that nobody would be swayed by this totally normal day of mine?

1 - I interacted with people who I was buying things from, thus they needed to act professionally.
2 - I pass so awesomely amazingly that nobody would ever suspect that I am anything but a natal born female.
3 - The only reason nobody bothers me is that I live in the ultra liberal state of Kalifornia.
4 - I have a perfect wing-woman in my wife.

Now, what about that above list is wrong?  Hmmm...... prettymuch all of it.



Nadine and her awesome wife did a day of wine tasting.  She had a fab time and a wonderful weekend.  She also comments on the quality of the wine, the folks she met, tells you a few more things about herself, and even includes an invitation.  

I just found this to be a cute post and hopefully you will too.  And, yes Nadine, I'd love to spend a day wine tasting with you!
 

Self-love

And, that contempt follows society’s views. Women should be a certain way, but that is less than men’s way, less than the go-getting, active, energetic male: it is supportive, decorative. Women should not be like men, not assertive (bossy) or leaders (aggressive). And I should not be like women should be, anyway.



Clare has held herself "in contempt" for a long time now. To understand this, you really need to read many, many of her well written blog posts.  She's starting to accept herself now, and that is good, for she is a lovely woman.  Self-Love III is the third post in a series, from Clare.  

You can also read Self-Love II and Self-Love I, from Clare.

Shared journeys

We spoke further around appearances and how they define us. I spoke about feeling like a minority: that story about visiting a poly and being the only other white guy there. I said, as with W's experiences, how experiences can help us empathise with others not always like us. I then heard myself say "but partly, because I don't always look like this." I wonder if my subconscious was ahead of me. That happens. W's interest was piqued and I realised I had to complete the sentence. "I am... trans, if that makes sense. Mostly I look like this, but you can't turn off who you are."

I so enjoy Lynn's writing, especially her humor.  This post, however, is lacking Lynn's trademark humor and takes a more serious tact.  It's all about a conversation with a cis-woman whom Lynn entrusts with her secret.  I bet if felt good, for Lynn.  I know the feeling...of sharing journeys.  

Hitting The Brick Wall

Funny how one can be getting on with enjoying life when suddenly dysphoria strikes changing everything.




Antonia is a woman, yet she sees a man in the mirror.  She thinks she's hit that brick wall.  Sound familiar?

Wig, wig, wig, hair!

I grew out my hair in college, back in the mid-nineties. When I say I grew it out, I mean just that. I wore it long, all the way to the middle of my back, for almost ten years. I did chop it off once, around 2000, but I grew it back out. Long hair was just part of who I was. It felt right.




Growing it.....cutting it.....growing it.....cutting it.....eventually losing some of it.  For me, it was kind of like purging.  I'm guessing the same for Stefani.  Like me, Stefani still has her hair with the exception of a minor receding hair line.  Unlike me, Stefani doesn't have to wear it short in the corporate world.  

It's just a life story about hair, a subject that can be so emotional for any transwoman, from Stefani.

Wait, I was transitioning? (15+ months HRT)

The medical stuff is hard.  It’s important to put the fears of ‘transition takes years’ into perspective.  Yes, this all takes a long time, slowly chipping away at the physical characteristics and growing into a new way of being.  Throughout all that is a comfortable window in which to come to terms with your situation and take care of whatever legal issues you have as well as figuring out how you feel you want to socially transition and then doing it, in earnest.



Amy has put together one of the finest transition update blog posts I've seen in a long time.  The information in her post is just so valuable for others to read and I'm so glad she has taken the time to update all of us on her transition.  

This is a long post, but is worth the time to read every word, especially if you're thinking about transitioning, or in a male-to-female transition.  In this post, you'll read about Amy's serious issues involving the first T-Blocker she was on.  You'll find out just what is involved in a pre-surgery consultation.  She comments on the effects of HRT overall, the social transition and passing.

This one is just excellent, excellent, excellent!  Even if you have transitioned, I think you will enjoy, Wait, I was transitioning? (15+ months HRT). 

Oh, and isn't she just lovely?

Social Media and the Casual Out

This isn’t the place where I am coming out to the world. I am coming out, little by little to the world on my terms and in person.




When Beth says, "this isn’t the place where I am coming out to the world", she is referring to her blog.  Where is she she going to casually out herself?  I do believe the answer is in the title of this post.

Dressing as a tall woman

Being 5'10", I am trying to create a style based on being a tall woman. I have seen woman taller than me, but I want to learn how to own my height.








I've got to believe that most of us, who identify as MtF, are a bit taller than the average woman.  Dressing as a tall woman, from Susan, is a shorty (the post - not the girl!) but a goody.

Using Adversity

For the transsexual, there is little room for doubt in the end. You should, you must doubt your thoughts and desires as you begin. By the time you act upon those feelings, thoughts and desires, you must, be fearless and certain of what you are doing.






My dear friend, Halle, and I first met several years ago.  We both wanted to transition but we both had a lot to think about.  Halle has proceeded with her transition and continues to blog, hoping that her writing may help others with similar thoughts.   Using Adversity, is one of those posts.  Short, and to the point....with quality content.

If I Was Your Girl

The book centres around the life of Amanda, an 18-yr old school girl in her final year of high school. She joins a new school, and falls in love with Grant, a football player. The hook (at least from a transgender point of view) is that Amanda used to be Andrew. Their relationship goes through some ups and downs, before the big reveal, and the aftermath.


 

In this post, Vivienne reviews a book, If I Was Your Girl, she found at the airport and ended up reading it on the flight.  She also has a few words to say about the author.  The book is young-adult fiction, directed towards high school aged trans kids but we older trans folks may also find it of interest.  The author, Meredith Russo, does know of what she writes, as Vivienne discusses in her post.

Feminine Differential - Shoe Lust

The pull is, how femininity makes you feel. It may have begun the first time you played dress up with your sister/mother/ clothes or comically pranced around in your girlfriend’s pumps showing her it is not so hard.  Something happens to a man once they slip into the forbidden world or femininity.  Nothing more defines that femininity than the female high heel shoe. 



Here's another post from Rhonda's Feminine Differential - Shoe Lust.

Trans Without Transition? A Critique of Gender Identity

A thought experiment: imagine an AMAB trans person who wakes up one day and has a startling realization: they are transgender! But they have zero desire to engage in any act of transition. They don’t want to change their name, their pronouns, their dress, their mannerisms, their voice, their body, etc. They are totally fine in the gender role assigned to them at birth.


I love this blog, from Rachel.  She gets into the who trans thing as a philosopher would and thinks out questions worth asking.  I suppose this is because she is a philosopher.  

The featured post is:  Trans Without Transition? A Critique of Gender Identity.  Don't stop with this post, however.  Dig in and enjoy Rachel's thoughts and writing.

Here's a bit more about Rachel:

Hi. My name is Rachel Williams. Here are some words that describe me:

Queer. Philosopher. Trans woman/non-binary femme. Poly. PhD Student/academic. Blogger. Vlogger. Beer. Coffee. Metal. Progressive. Agnostic-atheist. Science. Naturalism. Reddit. tumblr. Killjoy Feminist. Books. Pansexual. Vanilla. Political lesbian. Cuddling. Dogs. Cats. St. Louis.

Family Ties

Me:     Talking of doctors, I was referred to a clinic myself last year. Actually, it’s a Gender Identity Clinic and I’m on the waiting list to be treated for dysphoria. A couple of years ago I realised I couldn’t hide my need to live my life as a woman any longer.

[Silence]

The silence, for a few secs, came from Ruth's sister-in-law.  She did respond, however.  This post is a coming out story - actually stories - from Ruth and includes reactions such as this one from by Kate:

.......he couldn’t quite get past the ‘I don’t get it – why does he want to wear a dress?’ stage, though as I’ve probably said before, if you’ve no experience of gender dysphoria and it’s never touched your life that’s probably a not unreasonable reaction – especially if you’ve lived most of your life in an era where such matters were brushed conveniently under the carpet.

And, there's more in Family Ties, a well written post, from Ruth.

My Happy Childhood

Middle and high school and puberty were hell. Being at middle school sucked. I was bullied. A lot. That’s a whole other post. I was happy when I wasn’t at school.

I was an unwitting trans gal and I tried to play a regular dude, but I didn’t do it very well because I was a girl and didn’t know how to boy other than what I’d seen, and I usually did it terribly and you know how boys are during puberty. Ugh.


We all like to hear the childhood stories from others who are trans.  This one, from Heather, is not one of the happier stories, but as is the case with many, including myself.  Take a look at, Heather's "Happy" Childhood and perhaps you can relate.

"Oh please its 2016!"

"Oh Please it's 2016!"  (she said)




....and getting near 2017, Joanna!  A short, feel-good post, from Joanna.