Crossdressing Thoughts & Reflections - Janie

When I began seeking out authors for our crossdressing series, Petra and Stana were the first to come to mind.  

The lovely Petra, however, suggested another author whom I had not been familiar with. Her blog was not even listed on T-Central (it is now).  I took a look at what Janie had to say and, naturally, Petra was right.  We had another author for our series.  Yay!

Janie's blog is worth a good look.  Good writing, lots of pictures, and active commenters.

As an aside, we have approved virtually all of the comments to the various posts in this series.  I ask that you please respect our authors for what they are: Crossdressers (or as Janie prefers: T-Girl).  They're sharing their stories with all of you.  Let them know you appreciate it.

Now, it's Janie's turn!

 - Calie

Fits Me to a T

I am grateful for the opportunity that Calie has given me to share my feelings about crossdressing and its role in my life on this important stage. 

This site, by offering a central location to access so many of the fine personal blogs on the internet, amplifies the great benefit that these journals provide – namely, community of experience and thought.  I can remember what a help it was for me in my first days to know what others who preceded me had gone through.  Perhaps even more profound, what a comfort it was to see how many others had been thinking almost exactly the same things I had been; it made me realize I was neither alone nor nearly as strange a creature as I thought I was.

My experience is almost disappointingly cliché – I am traveling a well-worn path – but with two, let’s call them, twists.   First, I started crossdressing in my 40s, with nary a prior thought about wearing women’s clothes.  And, second, my sexual orientation is part of the package.

So far, my journey has been full of personal development, new friendships and fun.  I consider my time spent as a woman to be an enhancement to my former life, an exploration and a physical, emotional, philosophical, social and sexual pleasure.  While my femininity runs pretty deep, there is no inner gender conflict and I have never had a moment’s thought about having SRS, taking hormones or transitioning.  I am both girl and boy, and I love both. 

Late Bloomer in Bloomers

As recently as it developed, you’d think I could remember exactly what prompted my foray into the feminine.  But, I have only a faint theory.  My explanation is not entirely uncommon, but for me raises as many questions as it answers.

I think it was rooted in a combination of mid-life crisis and less that total satisfaction with my sex life… that I somehow became the girl that could fill in those things that I wasn’t getting from my girlfriend.  Not that I blame her; no person can be all things to another.

Some guys get divorced, some cheat, some buy expensive sports cars, some just accept the situation and try to focus on other things.  I love my GF far too much to consider the first two, and don’t consider the third a solution to anything.  And, resignation is a last resort.

Janie does help out in satisfying those needs, that’s for sure.  But I have a hard time believing that just any guy is capable of this kind of deeply-felt and far-reaching transformation simply to meet his sexual desires.  There must be something peculiar about me that allows me or incites me to be this way, which begs the question…

Besides which, without GF’s support in allowing Janie to spread her wings and experiment – and it goes much further than tolerating or even liking me in a dress, as you can see below in the next section – even this transformation would have had limited or no success in addressing my needs.  Rather, it probably would have created more problems.  Which gets me back to square one…

I wish I had more or better answers.  There are so many questions and trying to figure out all the whys and wherefores is like trying to cut down a big tree with a pen-knife.  But, I’ll keep at it as long as it takes, blogging-as-therapy all the while.  I’m confident the questioning will lead to answers in time and with the support of my friends in this community, and meanwhile I will endeavour to just enjoy my time as a girl at face value.

The Curious Question of Sexual Orientation

Whenever I am Janie, the male part of me fades into the background, and the feminine part of me comes to the fore.  I do not feel like a guy wearing women’s clothes, and I expect to be referred to as “she” or “her.”  My personality and demeanor change – and so do my coupling preferences. 

In girl mode, it is always my intention to do more than just look like a woman, even more than behave like a woman – I want to feel like a woman, experience life as a woman – and that includes dating and sex.  (Perhaps that’s why I generally prefer not to call myself a “crossdresser,” which seems limited to the external aspect of “dressing,” rather than a more immersive experience.  Instead, I like the term t-girl.)

I am wired to think of dating and mating in primarily heterosexual terms, but that may not mean exactly what you might expect.   

As a guy, I’m interested only in women.  As a woman, I am interested in men.  Go figure!  Does that make me “straight?”  I don’t know… does it matter?  There are those that may accuse me of trying to avoid the obvious conclusion that I am simply a bi male, but it is not like that at all – I haven’t the slightest interest in men when I’m not Janie.

That said, I am under no delusion that I’m a woman.  I am physically a guy and I love being a guy.  But I can put that away and become a girl in all but certain physical aspects.  And, don’t you know, I not only love being a girl, but I love being a special kind of girl.

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

In that vein, I am also reconsidering the much-sought-after goal of “passing” as a woman – y’know, appearance-wise. 

I have started to very much appreciate the unique and hauntingly attractive transgender aesthetic.  Feminine, with a hint of masculinity, the t-girl is alluring in her own right with no apologies for being what she is.

Straight men may well wonder why they are finding themselves attracted to someone who is, in no small measure, a man.   Gay men may find themselves strangely interested in someone who is very much a female; bi-curious women may find us a convenient stepping stone, half way between where they are starting from and where they are looking to.

It may cause some consternation among any and all of those groups, but if we are shaking things up a bit and punching a few holes in the walls that confine thinking and feeling, then we are helping humanity to grow.

But the most personal benefit is that I am relieved of the stress and self-respect issues associated with holding myself to a standard that may be beyond my reach.  I am also side-stepping the emotional and financial trap of subjecting myself to technology that is designed to mess with my natural biology (surgery, hormones, etc.) and is a danger to my health.

The highest standard to which I can aspire as a t-girl is that of self-acceptance and self-love.  That’s where I’m headed… I hope.