A few
years ago, Laura Newman found herself lost in a relationship. She realized she
wasn’t living the life she wanted and found herself a new partner. One, who
happens to be transgender.
On a
search to find out more, Laura found not many people had written about her
situation, so she wrote her own. Her book, A
Love Less Ordinary, details her life, that of her partner and the lessons
she’s learned along the way.
The
book was released in 2012 and we got in touch, to see how things have changed
for Laura, since the book was released.
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Could
you tell us a little about yourself?
I am 5' 11", slim, 39. It is almost
impossible for me to do nothing. I am
hardworking, tenacious. I am always
thinking about the next project. I live
life for the experience of it. I'm not
an exciting thrill seeker but see new experiences and opportunities in everyday
life. I am easily pleased by the simple
things in life, like noticing the new daffodils in bloom. I love the people I surround myself with and
they are what makes life worthwhile. I
am a half glass full kind of gal. I
believe in healthy eating; but with a little of what you fancy - and that
applies to everything not just food. I
work full time in a management position in the NHS for the last 7 years. After several years study I am about to
qualify as a counselor in July this year.
I also volunteer as a bereavement counselor at weekends.
Why
did you decide to write your book?
I wanted to read other women's stories in a
similar position/relationship to mine. Nothing I read resonated with my
positive experience of being the partner of someone transgender, so I decided I
should write from the positive side of the fence.
What
were the easiest and hardest parts of writing your book?
Easiest was probably interviewing people -
who wouldn't find sitting in cafe's and bars chatting to people fun! I am
Dyslexic, and so the hardest part of writing the book was writing the book. Actually dramatics aside it was
editing/proofreading etc. I had three
rounds of different independent people proof read it. At one point it was set aside for six months
with me not looking at it, due to my studies.
When I did look at it I often found myself reading a sentence, or
section etc and thinking; 'wow I love what the proof reader has done with this
bit', then looking back at my original realizing nothing had changed it was all
my own work.
There were lots of tears, and many times
when I wanted to give up. Someone asked
me at one point in the process, why would you do something that goes against a
disability you have? I said "I'm not giving up on a dream, and giving in
to dyslexia," Oh and; "Did you watch the Paralympics?" As an
example I just had to type that word several times and couldn't figure out why
it didn't look right. Eventually I realized it actually said ‘paraletics’ - I am very able to laugh at myself and
my disability too - that's important
Which
is your favourite part of the book, and why?
Generally the last chapter, I think there
are a lot of life lessons in it - and if you want to know what they are you are
simply going to have to read it. The very last sentence is probably my ultimate
favourite because every time I read it I remember all the rises and falls, the
tears, the tantrums, the laughter and all the celebrations along the way of
creating it, and how incredibly proud of myself for achieving such an amazing
goal, which has helped others. I also
think that we don't pat ourselves on the back enough when we have done well, as
we are too worried about seeming big headed.
Did
you learn anything during the process of writing it?
Oh oodles; resilience, perseverance, that I
have the stamina to never give up, and that I have the strength to fight
through the times when I want to, the true power of getting out there and
meeting people and the unexpected journeys pushing yourself can take you
on. How incredibly kind and supportive and
selfless people can be. To be open to
things, and the power of saying yes.
What
happened after you finished writing it?
The real excitement began. I had worked in the book industry and knew
how hard it was to get published. I
actually was prepared for the book never getting published. I didn't want to self-publish. By putting myself out there, and spotting
opportunities, I ended up one day at a event run by PINK - a LGBT counseling organization. I got chatting in the
break to someone who had just published their book and gave me the publisher's
details. Overnight I was accepted by a publisher wanting to take the book
on. This does not happen in the book
world I can assure you.
Drumming up interest was great fun. Amongst the highlights along the journey were
a photo-shoot and interview in Marie Claire, a book reading/signing with my book
actually on the shelves of a book shop, a public speaking event, and most
heart-warming and sometimes heart breaking all the beautiful emails that
started coming in from people who said they had read the book and it had helped
them - I cried when reading each one positive or negative - I am a big softy.
If
you could change anything, or update your book, what, if anything, would you do
and why?
Nothing.
Not because it's perfect, not by any means, but it's real, it's
honest. It would undermine its first
journey. My second answer is; write
another.
How
did you find the publishing process?
Anxious, precious, overprotective. Some authors call their works their 'book
babies'. I can see why; you are giving
birth to something you have created. It
is unique and it will be judged and you might get hurt. There was also a hairy moment over
negotiating the cover I wanted. On this
point I was a prima donna and nothing other than the image on the cover you see
today would have been good enough.
You've
appeared in magazines and given talks. How was the experience for you?
The Marie Claire photo shoot for the
article was unspeakable indulgent. We
were treated like celebrities. It was in
an old listed building and the room we were in had been used for as a set that
Darcy Bussell had once danced into a Ginger Rogers’ number. It oozed 1920's glamour. A whole range of continental breakfast was
laid out for us and we swanned around in plush bathrobes whilst having our hair
teased and make up done. However ever the sensible me, the only diva activity
was when it came to me discussing what was to be written. I was very clear and very insistent of it
being tasteful and taking the trans story forward. They did do a good job but I'm not sure I
would do it again, as there was still an underlying current to the before and
after sensationalism of what trans women look like transformed. I have had many conversations with several
publications and journalist since, and sadly none of them wanted the angle I
was offering; of the partner's story - without photographs of the trans
person. To this day I have still not
seen any publication do this and it remains an uncovered story, which is a
shame.
One journalist said to me that if I wasn't
willing to involve my partner then I wouldn't sell any books. I replied that I would still be in a happy
relationship and I wouldn't have sold our souls.
The speaking events were terrifying. The most terrifying thing I have ever done,
honestly. Also one of the most rewarding and exhilarating. Would I do them again? Yes, but wouldn't eat beforehand again. I'm happy to do one if someone reads this and
makes me an offer.
There is only one word to describe speaking
to an audience of transgender women; humbling.
Do
you think your situation has changed since you wrote your book?
Ultimately no, in terms of we are still
very happy in our relationship. Life has
generally got better as I have continued to live with my heart on my
sleeve. The ultimate answer though is
you will have to wait for me to write another book one day.
There's been a growing media awareness
around trans issues. Do you feel these have impacted on you?
I hope it has impacted on everyone, in a
positive way. Personally no, because we
couldn't be more out and open about my partner being trans.
As a
partner of someone openly trans, how do you feel society treats you?
With respect. Sometimes with admiration (not that it is
deserved). Sometimes with curiosity, and
I welcome questions. But I generally find it very humbling. I have never had a negative experience or
reaction (to my face at least). On a
very few occasions people who I suspect are uncomfortable with it have referred
to my partner as "your friend".
Do
you have any advice for people in similar situations?
Everything I have described above about my
experience I realise that I have been very, very, lucky. Living in London affords a huge freedom of
people not caring. I have open minded
friends and family. I can't give anyone any advice as everyone had different
circumstances. But I would say this, the
only person in this life who you have to live with is you. You need to go through life being happy with
who you are, accepting yourself, and not pretending to be someone you are not,
because you spend a long time in your skin and in your own head, and ultimately
life is too short.
If
you could change something about the world, what would you change and why?
Less intolerance - do I need to give a
reason for that?
What
do you think is next for you, in terms of writing?
I have had lots of ideas over the years,
for lots of different books, on lots of different subjects, from elephants to
lesbianism - hey maybe that is the next title. Actually I have really enjoyed
writing this, and would like to thank you for the opportunity of rekindling the
flame.
The next few years the priority is trying
to build a career in counseling - then maybe one day the next book could be
about that.
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A Love Less Ordinary by Laura Newman can be
bought from Amazon:
This book is so fantastic - I have read it twice and loved it (and cried through it) both times. If you haven't read it, it is so worth it. Great piece Lynn - thank you. :o) x
ReplyDeleteYes, it's certainly worth a read!
DeleteBTW thank you, Rhi. I think we owe a big thank you to Laura, for agreeing to the interview and taking the time to answer.
Definitely, it is great that she did and that she is still so energised! We definitely want another book! :o) x
Delete