The Illustrated Biography of a Crossdresser

The Illustrated Biography of a Crossdresser is such a unique and delightful blog.  Hannah always seems so happy and just looks so fab!  

In her latest post, Ask Hannah, she gets away from the illustrations and answers a question about makeovers from another crossdresser.

Do take some time to check out the wonderful talent this girl has as an illustrator.  Nearly every post has one of illustrations and a story to go with it.  You can go here to read about Hannah

A Year’s Worth of Heady Reflection on WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A (transgender) WOMAN

If you scroll down the right side of the T-Central home page, you will find a listing of religious blogs.  Included is My Buddah is Pink, TransEpiscopal, Muslimah in Progress, LDS Gender, Ad Fontes, Queering the Church, Reclaiming Theylogy, and The Catholic Transgender.  I'm sure there are others out there, but this is what we currently have listed.

Speaking for myself, I think it's important to have these blogs listed on T-Central.  There are so many out there, myself included, who have had this incredible inner-conflict between who and what we feel we are (trans) and our religious roots.  I'm sure that, for many Christians, the Christmas holiday fuels these inner conflicts.

The paragraph, below, is just one excerpt from AYear's Worth of Heady Reflection on WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A (transgender) a WOMAN. It is an interesting collection of thoughts from Anna Magdalena, written for the blog, A Catholic Transgender.  Good reading and not heavy-duty religious content.

Woman is not a child-bearing machine. This here is my biggest problem with the view of gender common to many fellow Catholics which has dominated much of Western history in one form or another. Woman is not a field in need of planting. She is not a certain kind of real estate, nor is she “that which can be impregnated and bear children.” She is not land to be colonized. The woman who is born without a womb is still woman. The woman who is infertile is still woman. Woman even irrelevant of man is still woman. She is a good in of herself, not only good relative to men and children.

Happy Holidays From T-Central

 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM T-CENTRAL

CALIE

HALLE

JENNY

A Lovely Christmas Story From Clare

It starts out sad, but it ends in a very positive and happy note.  A lovely Christmas story and live experience from Clare Flourish.

Abigale's Christmas Markets

Let me start by saying that this post has absolutely nothing to do with the "T" in T-Central.

With that said, one of the pleasures of blogging is meeting others, who are like-minded, from not only your own country, but from around the world.  Halle, from Ontario, Canada, Jenny, from England, and I, are a good example.  The three of us met, via the blogging world, and are now the three admins for T-Central.

Years ago I did a post, on my own blog, relating to not transitioning.  A like-minded woman in Germany wrote me regarding that post and it was the beginning of an on-line friendship that continues to this day.  Every Christmas, she would tell me about the Christmas Markets in her city.  She painted such a pretty picture of this uniquely German tradition that I have vowed to someday visit Germany at Christmas time.

I recently met Abigale, a relatively new blogger who loves to write and communicate with others from around the world.  My kind of girl!!  She lives in Germany, so I asked her to describe the Christmas Markets in her city.  She has, and she's sharing her reply with everyone via her blog, Abigale's Airings.

Since it's the holiday season, I thought this would be a good chance to introduce everyone to Abigale's blog.  And, yes, Abigale is a T-Blogger, so she has plenty to write about of interest to us.  This time, however, just relax and imagine you're in a German city at Christmas time and read Abigale's description of this lovely German tradition.

How to Tell the Kids

Noelle has a short post with a big question.  The post is titled, How to tell the kids?, and I am going to re-post it here:

It’s time to tell my kids I’m trans and I could use some help.

I’ve been on hormones for almost a year and I’m looking at social transition in the Spring or Summer, and my wife and I are thinking of telling them over this Winter break so they have some time to digest it.

They’re 5 and 8, so I need to keep it fairly basic. My concise message is this:

I love you, and I will always love you. I’m going to be changing next year, and I want you to know that no matter how I change, I will love you.

I’m going to change from being a boy to being a girl. I’ll wear girl clothes and makeup and look more and more like a girl next year.

I’m changing to be happier. I’ve always thought that I would be happier as a girl, so that’s what I’m going to do.

I’ll still be your parent and I’m not going anywhere. I will be here to take care of you and love you.

Are there any other salient points you think I should mention? I don’t want to overload them and expect that there will be future conversations about things like my new name, how to talk to other people about it, etc. I also expect that they’ll have some questions during/after this.

Any suggestions, stories, or pointers to resources would be most appreciated!

Thanks!

You can go over to Becoming Me if you want to offer Noelle advice.

I was recently checking out Stacey's T-Volve blog and noticed a post, from 2011, titled Coming Out to My Daughter.  In that post, Stacey says, ....I've come out to just about every family member and friend with whom I'm in contact, the one glaring omission from that list was my daughter....

Telling her daughter was not easy.  Indeed, at first the divorce papers prevented Stacey from having the talk but, with professional advice and a lot of thought, Stacey did tell her daughter.  It's a beautiful story and one that many of you, including Noelle, might benefit from.

Do Clothes Make a Woman?

My name is Natalie. I am a 25 year old transgirl in the process of transition, and I am here to fight like a grrrl.

Suddenly Natalie is the name of her blog.  In this featured post, Natalie talks about the importance of her wardrobe in her transition.  Do Clothes Make a Woman? is an easy read, but an interesting post.

Natalie's blog is fairly new.  She has a bunch of posts well worth taking some time to read.   She's a good writer and story teller.  Her words just flow.  My kind of blogger!

I found every one of Natalie's posts to be good reading.  Be sure to check out, My Best Friend Was a Tomboy and Who am I, and What am I Doing Here?.

Being Different to My Family

We can help our families avoid misgendering us by appearing, behaving, and thinking differently than we were before our transition.

Kathleen's blog is just full of information....common sense information.  In this featured post, she suggests ways to stop or reduce the misgendering so common among the families and friends of someone who is in transition or has transitioned.  She also says that it's not easy.  Read more in her post, Being Different to My Family. 

Who is Kathleen?  In her words:

Most of my life I thought I was a heterosexual crossdresser or transvestite. I stifled myself; I hid my interests; in fact, I developed interests for camoflage: that's why I took blue-collar jobs after getting my B.A. in English literature, so no one would suspect that I loved to wear women's clothes. 

It wasn't until her 58th year that she finally realized who and what she is: Kathleen, a transsexual.  You'll find more in About Kathleen.

Trans in a Perfect World

The question that started the discussion:

Would people transition in a better world?

Imagine a gender-egalitarian world; an accepting world where men and women are both free to express themselves in any way they choose.

What would life in that better world be like for the gender-variant? 

What does the question imply about transsexualism and the motives for transition.

What does the question imply about what people believe about transsexuals and the motives for transition.

It turns out this is a huge question and the thoughts expressed in the post and the growing comment stream are all worth your time and consideration. 

You might find yourself moved to contribute.

The nagging void of why, or just simply the end of the line

“If you are reading this, I am obviously gone. The things you are finding are mine and yes I was a cross-dresser. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t over think it, but now you know."

If you're a crossdresser, or an emerging transsexual, and you have a "stash", have you ever thought that, should you pass on, someone such as a close family member might discover it?  How would you handle it?  Would you leave a note, such as the quote, above from Valerie's blog, in a box with your "stuff"?  Interesting thoughts from Valerie, in The nagging void of why, or just simply the end of the line.

Valerie is a closeted crossdresser, So Very Deep (in the closet).  You can learn more about her in, In defense of lifelong closet-dwelling.

Pushing the Envelope at Home?

One common theme most of us face or have faced is how we approach our lives as cross dressers or transgender girls with wives who understandingly have a huge stake in our actions.

Sound familiar?  Crysti addresses a comment from a reader in, Pushing the Envelope at Home?.

Different Faces, Different Places

My goal in writing this blog is to express my feelings as I feel them, uncovering emotions and freeing long repressed memories, as I build my new life.

Indeed!   Dawn is a fabulous blogger, who shares her feelings, written from the heart.  In Different Faces, Different Places she relates a moment where two strangers, from different cities, meet in a subway station.  It's a feel-good story that is worth taking a few minutes to read. 

So You Want to be a T-Girl

Over on the right side of the T-Central home page is a section called Articles and Papers.  I was doing a little house cleaning today and about half of the links in that section were broken.  They're all fixed now.  Most of the papers are still available, but the addresses had been changed.

When going through the links, I noticed So You Want to be a T-Girl.  If you haven't read this article (it's really a book), you really should.  It is brutally honest and tells it like it is.  Here's the book's last sentence:

And the final thought: If you have or if you wish to attain stealth as a woman, then this entire book boils down to one thought and one thought alone… you are and never were anything more than just another one of the three billion women out there. If you have taken this road, or are intending to, all you can ever hope to achieve after all your work, money, pain, loss, suffering, and effort, is at the very best, a level playing field. That is all we are, and that is all you are… just another woman out there mucking your way through life. No pot of gold, no Holy Grail, so special prize… just the simple, honest, and very well earned goal of womanhood. Nothing more, and nothing less, awaits you.
 
I have never been able to determine who the author is.  I first read it about 7 years ago.  The links have changed over the years but, fortunately, it still exists.  I really recommend this to anyone who is considering transitioning.

The picture associated with this post is from the blog, Walking in Two Worlds: A Trans Therapist's Journey, which is listed on T-Central.

If you know of an interesting link, article, paper, etc., that others would benefit from reading, please let me know.

When I Was a Mermaid

“…for children without words to know themselves, stories of creatures not quite human, who can make a deal to change their form into what they’ve always dreamed of being – that stuff sticks.”

Memories of childhood manifestations of our transgender nature are often difficult to access and even more difficult to put into words.

In When I was a mermaid ~ BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW THAT PEOPLE LIKE ME EXISTED, 

cnlester at A GENTLEMAN AND A SCHOLAR directs us to their piece published at the TOAST.

Or, you can go directly to the article, 

“A Mythical Creature”: My Genderqueer Childhood

Tips for maintaining a great wig

The title of this post pretty much says it all.  If you're a crossdresser, just beginning a transition, or have a hair loss problem, dealing with wigs will be a familiar issue.  How do you wash tham?  How do you brush them?  How do you style them?  How do you rid them of the frizzies?  

I have two very good wigs, one of which has the kind of problems our author discusses.  Now, I may be able to fix it!  B. Strong, the "Supportive Wife of a Trans* Woman", shares her experience in Tips for maintaining a great wig.

Opinions Are Like...

Nadine is best known for her great fashion sense, but in this post she gets reflective. 

"Blogging is weird.  I like it, but it is weird.  I often wonder: Who am I writing this blog for, the reader, or the writer?  I suppose the reality is a little bit of both."

There is more.. much more. Well worth a good discussion! 

Dusk and Dawn - Removing binary gender

Almost everything in nature we see and experience has varying degrees. There is night and day, but they can’t happen without dusk and dawn. Just so in people, There is male and female. But we ALL have elements in us. The traits of masculinity and femininity are to be found in both. We are all just people. It’s only for reproduction that it really matters.

In her words, Jodie is...... "Just a Tgirl who feels it's what we have between our ears and not just what we have between our legs that makes a person who they are."   In her latest post, she's getting all philosophical on us. It's short, but she reiterates the ideas that most of us share.

Jodie's Page is the name of the blog.  Dusk and Dawn - Removing binary gender is the title of the post.

Last Word

I am as lucid and happy as I have ever been after going through some very challenging times, I have come out on the other side far stronger than I ever imagined was possible and wish the very same for the rest of you.

It wasn't always like that.

In July, 2012, Joanna began her blog with a post, simply titled Day One. In that post, she wrote:

Life will get better again. I know that from experience but I hate feel stuck in the middle like this. I am a man but I am not normal. I am a man who dresses up as a woman and I feel its advancing. Some days I wish it would just go away and let me be. But I know it won't.

She had just broken up with her significant other, and turned to the world of blogging as a way to heal.

She did, and now she's written her Last Word.

I'm going to miss Joanna's writing.  Coming from a scientific background, she has been on a quest to better understand why she is the way she is.  She has written many interesting posts.  I have certainly benefited from Joanna's writing.  Take some time, if you haven't already, and browse through her writings.  By sharing her thoughts, Joanna may help you to learn a bit more about yourself.

Matt Kailey's Thanksgiving Coming Out Poem

For the past few days, I've been thinking about featuring another blog post with a Thanksgiving theme.  Thanksgiving, however, is not a world-wide holiday.  Indeed, many in the USA are not even aware that the 4th Thursday in November is exclusively an American holiday.  Even fewer, sadly, are aware that our neighbors to the north celebrate a similar Thanksgiving holiday on the second Monday in October.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a Thanksgiving post, might only apply to the American readers of T-Central and the last thing I want to do is to alienate our readers in other parts of the world or my co-TC administrators, Halle, in Canada, and Jenny, in England.

So, I looked around for just the right post.

And then it hit me.

Some of you may remember Matt Kailey's Tranifesto blog.  Matt transitioned from female-to-male, in 2007. It was a sad day in the LBGT world, when Matt died in his sleep, last May, at far too young an age.  His blog is still listed on T-Central.  His last post, Tranifesto Celebrates Five Years, was on March 31, 2014.

Every Thanksgiving, Matt posted his Thanksgiving poem.  It's funny, yet it is so true and, really, can apply to any holiday where family gather together.

With that said, I think it is quite appropriate that we honor Matt, by re-posting his Annual Thanksgiving Coming Out Poem.


A Thanksgiving Coming Out
By Matt Kailey
There’s a holiday coming on which we give thanks
For the wonderful things in our lives.
Not cell phones or new cars or what’s in the bank,
But our partners or husbands or wives.

We think of our loved ones as we plan our trips.
To see them will be a real treat.
And we know that the question on everyone’s lips
Will be, “When the heck do we eat?”

Now I’ve been through many a Thanksgiving feast
And lived to tell the story.
I can’t really rank them from most fun to least —
They all seemed a little bit gory.

There was one at my grandmother’s house, when she said,
“Let us each say what we’re thankful for.”
But before we could answer, my drunk Uncle Ted
Was sprawled out like a dog on the floor.

Another time everyone came to my place
With their offers to get in the way.
They crowded the kitchen and took up the space,
But at clean-up, they just couldn’t stay.

Then my sis tried her hand at the family feast,
With enough food to feed twenty-one.
But her poor old dog, Rover, that ungrateful beast,
Got there first and left us with none.

So, what’s really going on here? Are you excited? I mean —


Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends
Is supposed to be something quite dear.
But whatever your means and whatever the end —
Admit it. You’re quaking with fear.

There’s nothing exactly like gathering in thanks,
After wading through mountains of snow
With sweet Aunt Matilda and that slob Uncle Frank
And their passel of children in tow.

Then your psychotic brother
Arrives with his wife,
And you wish that he’d put down
That sharp carving knife.

And your parents announce
A Thanksgiving Day bet
That has something to do with
Why you’re not married yet.

And your nephew, who’s one,
Starts to laugh at his toes
And squirts mashed potatoes
From out of his nose.

And your cousin,
Who’s eighteen going on thirty-three,
Reaches under the table
And fondles your knee.

But the worst thing is going to somebody’s house
Who you’ve never laid eyes on before,
And eating strange food prepared by their spouse
And choking out, “Sure, I’ll have more.”

We all have our stories of Thanksgiving pain,
Of the sacrifice we’ve had to make.
Of the friends that we’ve lost and the weight that we’ve gained
And the turkeys that just wouldn’t bake.

Of the vegetables we couldn’t identify
And the rolls that were hard as a rock.
And the off-color jokes that we just let slip by
While our grandparents went into shock.

Even so, on Thanksgiving, there’s fun to be had.
You just have to know how to do it.
While you’re dealing with relatives, mother and dad,
You can do more than simply get through it.

Have some fun. I did. Here’s how.

One year, my grandmother confessed to me,
“I miss the old songs of my day.”
She sat at the piano, hands over the keys,
And she said, “Will you sing if I play?”

She started a melody, one that I know,
A song that began with a bang.
And I stood up and readied myself for the show,
Then I opened my mouth and I sang (to the tune of “Has Anybody Seen My Gal”):

Six foot two, eyes of blue,
Works on a construction crew.
Has anybody seen my guy?

Studly nose, knows the pose,
Has a million other beaus
Has anybody seen my guy?

If you see a fine dandy,
Handsome and slim
Diamond rings and all those things
You can bet your life it isn’t him

But could he love, could he woo
If you find him, you can, too,
Has anybody seen my guy?
(I really miss him)
Has anybody seen my guy?
(Come back to me, baby)
Has anybody seen my guy?

Well, my father jumped up and he started to scream.
My mother said, “Oh, no, oh, no.”
My aunts and my uncles turned six shades of green.
And my brother said, “I told you so.”

The house was in chaos, the family was crazed,
And nobody knew what to say.
Then my grandma said, “What’s wrong?” She seemed quite amazed
When my mom blurted out, “Oh, he’s gay.”

So my grandmother looked at me, up and then down,
And, at first, didn’t utter a thing.
Then she turned to my mother and said with a frown,
“He’s not gay. He can’t even sing.”

“And look at that hair! And those clothes!”

Though my Thanksgiving coming out could have been better,
There are some things we cannot foresee.
But I’m grateful my cousin, even though I would let her,
Has never again touched my knee.

And as for you —

If you feel like you’re getting the Thanksgiving blues
And fun things start feeling like chores,
And you’re dreading the sound of your relatives’ shoes
As they head up the walk to your door —

Just think of my story as you make your way
Through whatever the holidays bring.
And be glad that you didn’t find out, on Thanksgiving Day,
That your son, or your daughter …

can’t sing.

The Virtues of Brittle Nails and Split Ends

It amazes me when some would say ‘why on earth would you want to be a woman’, usually pointing out medical problems or the battle in the work place for fair pay and letching that some men still persist in. Despite the virtues of brittle nails and split ends nothing changes the innate inner feelings which when examined come to the same conclusion that I want to be; despite the upkeep.

Hannah is always thinking and putting her thoughts into writing.  The excerpt, above, is from our featured post, The Virtues of Brittle Nails and Split Ends.  It's a fun, well written post, and you'll want to read it from start to finish.

I've mentioned many times, here on T-Central, how much I value good writing.  Hannah is one of the best.  The trans reader just can't help but relate to what she writes.  This, for example, is from a post titled, Not As Me:

I’ve grown into my gender dysphoria. It’s slid sideways into my real life slowly changing who I am. Of course it’s not actually the gender dysphoria that is taking over me but self discovery of who I am as an adult moulding me into the person I actually want to be. In fact that person is different to what I expected. She is a place that is nicer to be than the one who wanted to outwardly impress by beauty or youth. She is the person who is finding the intellect that she didn’t realize she had. The person with the artistic expression she found in her thirties. She is me. Maybe this is what becoming a woman is all about.

And this, from her post, Hollywood Red and Gloss:

When gender clashed with my life it was an exciting double life full of vibrant thrills and new people that were completely separate from the daily trudge of work, commuting, bills and commitments; it was like a holiday. One day I came to a screaming realization that the thought I had in my teens that this was a reality, it suddenly became very much at odds with everyday existence. Much like the path of a drug addiction the stick of Maybelline Hollywood Red was no longer a treat but a daily dependency just to feel normal. As shallow as it might sound even dull nails that are lacking at least one thin clear coat can be a little depressing.

I could go on and on about this blog.  I recently discovered it, and I'm hooked.   You will be too.

Are You an Apple Trapped Inside a Cranberry?

Jamie Ray lives in the United States.   The American Thanksgiving holiday is celebrated on the fourth Thursday in November.  The following Friday, for many, is a day off from work and a popular shopping day.  

Thanksgiving is a family holiday, where families gather, eat a feast, and give thanks.

Because of the American Thanksgiving's close proximity to the Christmas and New Year holidays, the entire period is considered the Holiday Season in this country.

It can be a fun time of the year but, for the lonely or those who have been abandoned by family, it can be a very depressing time of the year.

In her words, Jamie Ray lives "....on the border between trans and butch"......a border her mother refused to cross.  It all came to a head on Thanksgiving many years ago.  For many, it would have resulted in a depressing period.  For Jamie Ray and her partner, it mean improvising and celebrating the holiday with friends.  The two of them have been together ever since, but there is an ongoing disagreement between these two, centered around Thanksgiving.  

Read, Are You an Apple Trapped Inside a Cranberry?, to find just what this dispute is all about and the "recipe" for compromise.
 

Opening Up and Writing Stuff Down

Sometimes when I look back through my blog I can't help feel that it's all a bit wishy washy.  There's no real substance to it, just photos that probably bore the pants off others, mundane ramblings, posts about purchases and the odd outfit idea/fashion inspiration along the way.  At times I feel like its the work of a youngster, someone trying to be a blogger without any real content to blog about. It makes me want to call it a day but then I tell myself that it's all part of documenting who I am and what makes me tick

I saw that statement in one of Lotte's latest posts and it made me want to read on.

I'm glad I did.
 
Whenever I see a blog where the author really has a lot to say, that many others can relate to, I'll drop everything to feature that blog.  In this case, Lotte, in an effort to add some substance to her blog posts, discusses some topics that all of us can relate to:

Suffering in silence

Frustration

Selffishness

It's a really thoughtful post from Lotte.  

Opening Up and Writing Stuff Down Part Three

Ruby's Remembance Day

I know that there is now a special Trans remembrance day but I , in my quiet corner of the universe, cannot help being stirred to remember "our" losses and the battles we have fought with ourselves, our families, the aggressive, hostile, bigoted media and especially the medical services which have dragged their feet for three generations in their willingness to help those with our condition.

Ruby has an interesting look at her own Remembrance Day.

Thoughts and Reflections - A Part Time Girl

If you've been following her blog for a while, you may know her by Aimee.  She's decided to change her name, however.  I believe she has it down to two different names and has yet to make a decision.

We may or may not ever know the name she has decided to take on as her own, so for now we'll refer to her as Part Time Girl.

A Part Time Girl is the name of the nice looking blog she has been doing since 2011.  I really relate to her story, and you may too.  Our girl has honored us with a guest post, so please read on.

Im Just a Part Time Girl....

A Little About Me


Im relatively new to accepting myself as trans. Even though I have had the thoughts, inclinations and urges to express myself as a female for most of my life, I tried to suppress it for around two decades with varying degrees of success. I am now in my early thirties and it was only 3 years ago that I finally realised I needed to 'let the girl out', or risk losing my sanity due to not realising something that has been with me for almost as long as I can remember. When I started I wasnt sure where it was going to lead and I wanted to take it one small step at a time, but I couldnt live with hiding it any longer.


Im currently calling myself trans because im not too sure where I sit on the spectrum at the moment. Its been a bit of a mental rollercoaster over the last few years, on some occasions ive been so depressed ive had to seek medical advice, ive beaten myself up mentally over the body im stuck with (among other things), and I have seriously considered going full time. But then other times ive been quite happy to be a part time girl, I have looked for ways to try and be comfortable in between, or even been comfortable just staying male for periods at a time even though the thoughts are always there simmering in the background, which is how I am feeling right now. At the moment there is no discomfort so I am ok with that.

Since I am only a few years old I dont consider myself particularly experienced, nor qualified enough to comment on subjects that carry any real weight to our community. My blog is more a diary of what I am thinking, feeling, or what I have been getting up to, and I specifically avoid blogging about anything topical or something that might cause controversy. So the following post is going to be along this vein, its going to be about my journey so far, and some thoughts on the back of this. And it is not representative of other part time girls like me.


A Brief History


Some trans people seem to have a defining moment when they realised something was different about them. For me, I cant remember exactly when this happened. Growing up I was a typical boy who loved comics, action figures and playing football, but at some point (probably around my early teens) I started being secretly envious of the girls I was growing up with. These thoughts could be strong and obsessive, and on occasion caused me quite a lot of angst and frustration. I would often go to sleep at night and hope I would be a girl in my dreams, and wish that when I woke up I would have changed into a girl even though I knew that was not physically possible. I wanted to be a girl so badly, but didnt do anything about it. I was planning to go and speak to a doctor, but was scared since she was a family GP and I didnt want my family to know. And if I had a sister, well, im sure she would have been running out of birth control pills quicker than she should have been.


In my early 20's I moved across the country, tried to suppress my trans side through partying, met a girl and tried to get on with life. The thoughts and urges never really left me, but I was able to put them to the back of my mind for a very long time. It wasnt until about 3-4 years ago that I started to have massive regrets, I started feeling like I was wasting my life and I was missing out on something that was a massive part of who I am. I sneaked around behind my girlfriends back for a year (which im not exactly proud of), testing the water to make sure that this was as big a deal as I thought it was, when I was a little surer of my position I then came out to her.


Since then I have been trying to learn. For me, being a part time girl is not as simple as just putting on clothes for an afternoon with no care in the world (although I wish it was sometimes). There are a lot of social and mental hurdles to jump through to try and accept this part of myself, to accept and get past the limitations of my situation, and to try and find my place in the world (something which still eludes me). And I think starting late has produced some challenges that would not be there if I had accepted this about myself as a child.


My Partner


One place I was not expecting to gain acceptance from was my girlfriend. When I came out to her it was a year after I started 'letting the girl out', and we were nearly 10 years into our relationship. Coming out to her was the hardest thing I have ever done, but we have survived and we are still together. I certainly was not expecting anything more than reluctant tolerance from her, but she has been amazing. There is the occasional friction from time to time, and some compromises have been made, but that is to be expected. Her acceptance has certainly helped me through some low moments, and the odd in-joke ("...even I can walk in heels better than she can!") certainly brings smiles to both of our faces.


If I had come to accept this about myself when I was younger, I would not have kept such a secret from her and would have been honest with her from near the start, even though this would probably have meant our relationship would have died before it even started. I cant help but still feel guilty at the fact that the amount of time she had already invested into our relationship was probably a large factor into her decision to stay with me.


Self Acceptance


Over the last few years I have been gradually learning to accept the fact that while I am trans and I am not in the place I really want to be, where I am isnt going to change and I have limitations I have to work with. This has caused varying degrees of depression, caused by the fact that I have wanted to be a woman for almost as long as I can remember, and trying to get over the crushing realisation that this is never going to happen. Or the fact that I know I will never look convincing, that it doesnt matter how flattering the clothes or how heavy or well done the makeup I will never look as good as the model in the advert I am looking at, or the girl I am passing in the street. Or the fact that everytime I buy new clothes it almost always frustratingly gets sent back because it just doesnt look right on my male frame. Or the fact that as my male body ages, it becomes harder and harder to look the way I want to as my body shape changes, and hair continues to grow and disappear in the wrong places.


Everytime I look in the mirror to put on makeup I have to try and fight past the man staring right back at me, some days this is easy, some days not so much. On occasion I have even been mid transformation and I had to stop because I felt like a lost cause and I just couldnt face myself in the mirror any longer. To be honest, id be happy not to have to put on much makeup at all since even though I do like being glammed up for a night out, my everyday clothing of choice for either gender is comfy, comfy and comfy. Having to trowel on makeup kind of detracts from that, but there is so much male to hide I dont have much choice other than to lay it on thick. But even after this I still have to accept that I will always look like a man in womans clothing, and not the woman I aspire to be.


Trying to get used to this has been incredibly difficult, but it has been easier lately. I still get frustrated occasionally but ive had to learn to accept that there is nothing here within my control, so its pointless getting depressed over it. I love expressing my female side, it should be a positive experience and it is once I can push myself past these barriers. I do wonder though if I would be thinking the same way if I had been honest with myself way sooner in life.


Its Not Just Clothes

I dont just dress up to look the part. I cant explain why but I just feel more comfortable, relaxed and sometimes even a little happier when I am able to express my female side. In real life ive never really been 'one of the boys', and get uncomfortable in particularly macho conversations and situations. I wouldnt say im one of the girls though either, ive missed out on 30 years of female social development so I dont have the natural skills, behaviours or even way of communicating that most women share. So I just sit in the middle really, feeling like a bit of an outcast and not really belonging to either side. But when I get an opportunity to choose what gender to present myself as, I am decidedly more comfortable being female, even with the really hot wig and uncomfortable breastforms.


When I started going out I really wanted the social feedback that matched my appearance, I wanted to be treated as a woman hoping this would help me feel more like a woman, but unsurprisingly this didnt happen. From my limited experiences of being out and about (especially away from the relative safety of gay clubs), judging from the glances and stares (and occasional comment behind me) I was viewed as a curiosity, or an oddity. In some ways I really didnt mind people being curious (and kind of expected it to a degree), but it took away from what it was I wanted to achieve, which was to blend in and to be accepted at face value as the gender I was presenting as. I suppose my hopes were aimed unrealistically high but I kind of anticipated that this might happen.
 
It took me a bit of time to get over this, it was kind of like the final realisation that what I truly wanted was unattainable and just made me feel like a fake, so what was the point. Now though, im still looking for social feedback and to be accepted by others, but ive had to accept that this will always be as a part time girl, rather than as a woman. There will be curiosity, some people will be nice, some people will be rude. I have to accept that this is not going to change no matter what I do. I genuinely think that for part time girls, 'passing' is a myth. People will notice you, but mostly they will be too polite to be obvious about it.

In some ways, this comes into line with when I think about what it would be like if I was in a position where I was out to everyone in my personal life as a part time girl. These people will have known me for a large part of my adult life, and if I was to have a 'Ta-Dah!' moment where I first met them as a woman and I was sashaying around the room, air kissing everyone and calling them 'hun', it would seem like an act, and you know, it probably would be. Ive been an institutionalised male for over 30 years, and as much as I still have that dream that ive had since being a child of being a woman, I need to reconcile that with the reality of who I am now. A middle age man who for the most part has been happy living as such, and doesnt want to turn his back on that side of his life. Never mind the fact that he has no idea how to sashay....

This is a relatively new concept to me and is definitely a work in progress, and even as I am typing (and editing, and re-editing) this post I am still trying to define my authenticity, from how I think about myself to how I dress to how I walk and talk, and more. If I had grown up accepting my trans-ness then maybe this would have evolved as part of my identity over the years. Im still pretty fluid in what im trying to get out of this though and how it makes me feel as I discover more about myself, but the need to express some femininity in one form or another is pretty constant.

So yeah, thats it I think. I hope I didnt drone on for too long for you. If you have anything you want to ask then please comment and I will reply where and when I can.

A part time girl x

Trans-Activism

Lucy has a few things to say about trans-activism.  It's written so well that Lucy could certainly be a trans-activist if she wanted to.

Take a look at Lucy's excellent post, Trans-Activism.

And, while you're at it, go back to 2009 and read Lucy's Transsexual Manifesto.

It really is a pleasure to read something that is so well written.  This girl can write!!

Thoughts and Reflections - Lynn Jones

So this is it eh? Welcome to the blogosphere. The giant swirling hive mind of the Internet. Pushing memes and new paradims through the datasea... Or, just a load of old tosh that's randomly updated by people who should know better. :)Well, the jury is out on that one I'm sure.
 
So, welcome to my little spot of the t'interweb - soon to be filled with occasional guff and nonsense. I'll be straight with you (heh - straight*) I'm curious as to how long I can keep this blog thing going. Will it disappear by the end of the year or take longer than that? Hmmm... we'll see.




That was Lynn Jones' first post.

It didn't disappear at the end of the year.

The date of that first post?

October 22, 2005.

Oh my, my, my.  I do believe that Lynn may just have the oldest, continuously running blog on T-Central.  Even Stana's Femulate blog didn't start until 2007, I believe.

I've been following Lynn's Yet Another T-Girl Blog from the beginning.  There  were many blogs that I just loved to read back 8 to 10 years ago, and almost all of them were authored by English T-Girls.  I guess I loved that English sense of humor.  As far as I can tell, Lynn's blog is the only one that is still active.  I would love to stand corrected, however, so if anyone knows of an older, continuously running blog out there, let us know. 

Enough of my babble, however.  Lynn has agreed to do a Thoughts and Reflections guest post for T-Central so, Lynn, it's all yours.....

Hi there,

The other day, Calie emailed asking if I'd like to do a piece for T-Central. Well, why not eh? I mean, as an unprofessional waffler, how hard could it be to rattle off a handful of paragraphs?

Hmmm.... Well, harder than I first thought. I did start off the usual Who Am I route, but in all honesty, that felt a little bit too much like I'm blowing my own trumpet (don't be filthy :-) ) when there's a chance to say something else.

So, here's my soap box moment, a chance to say you're awesome. Keep pushing at those gender boundaries and don't let up. Keep going until you find peace and are comfortable with who you are. Sure, it'll be difficult at times, but all the good things worth fighting for are. Relationships don't happen without effort and opportunities are what you make of them, So to, I think, it is with our lives - and I won't use the word 'lifestyle', because I don't think we chose it. I think it might choose us, and we do the best with how we land in the world. 

Being trans can be tough and if there was some fictional pre-world, where those getting on at this stop, all queue up and pick a door to go through, I think I'd be the first to stand by that and ask: Are you sure? It'll be great once you get your head around it, but it may take a while. Not everybody makes it. Some give up, some disappear and some can't live like this..... but many more flourish. More and more of us are just out there, living our own lives and just not worrying.

Be bold. Be brave. Be yourself.

Hell, if I can do it, anyone can. That's the reason I got into blogging: to connect with people and hoping in some small way, that if just one person who read YATGB and felt a little better, or even that they could just get out there, that's cool in my book.

I've tried to share a little about about the 'how to' although I'm no expert. Tips on making your own hip padding, making the best cleavage, how to shop (hello Frock Magazine) and even tips on make-up. I certainly won't be opening a salon any time soon, but again, if someone finds it helpful, that's all good.

I've shared posts about being outed, about going to a trans group (really, I think that's one of the best things I ever did), going out socially and then the darker times, when I was laid low by depression. With the latter, I got over it eventually and the friends I met at Chameleons really helped. They were there when I was low and didn't give up. A few people were kind enough to share their stories with me and I no longer felt so isolated. 

At the group we've welcomed new people, we've celebrated, we've been strong when we lost one of number and we've done all the cliches: themed parties, wig sales, make-overs, and photo shoots. We've also done more serious things, such as hosting a stall at pride events, given talks to the police, universities and mental health charities. Each little thing we do - just like you do when you go out - we put trans people on society's radar and maybe one day, we'll be fully accepted for who we

are.

Now, I try to play it forward and I do what I can to help those new to the group. Someone once said that there's little better in life, than helping other people. At the time, I didn't get it, but I do now.

So, here I am. The other side of 40 with a lovely wife and two great kids. I get out to a trans group twice a month and blogs/social media let me keep in touch with friends. If I could send a letter to my teenage self, I'd tell myself that everything was going to work out. Maybe not overnight, but it will all be okay: just hang on.

Look after yourselves and stay gorgeous,

Lynn