Pronouns again.

The problem of pronouns has surfaced again. I got referred to as “he” and was surprised by how much it grated. The feeling of wrongness was visceral. But while “he” may be wrong, there isn't anything that feels exactly right either. 




A few comments about pronouns, from Jonathan.

Nearly the end of the year

........I've been trying to take note of at least three good things a day. Usually, the app pops a reminder up about 9PM, so I've the time to write something, and it's not quite late enough that my brain has packed up for the night. :-) There's even an option to clip some photos into the entry, so family things or whatnot can easily be included.


The last post on T-Central was a very "down" post from a girl who is losing her will to live.  I'm following up with a really sweet and positive post from Lynn who, with the support of family and the Cham's, always has something good to say about life.

I live

My heart breaks for the girl I used to be, that naive girl with shitty english and writing that still had hope for the future and really thought her life was going to get better, her family would accept her, she'd get hot and live the life she wanted to live. I'm a thing. It's so depressing to see that girl lose hope post after post until she becomes what I am today.



This post, from a Brazilian blogger, just makes me want to scream for her.  She needs support from her family and isn't getting it.  She also needs friends.  I'm assuming there is not a local transgender group where she lives.  Groups like the Gems (Northern California), the Chameleons (England), the MN T-Girls (Minnesota), Trans Kentucky, and many others would have members who could give comfort to this girl.  The post dates back to May.  I do hope she is still with us.

It Will Never Be Okay

I get emails from many people, both trans and cis about clothes.  Some of the emails are from people who may not consider themselves transgender, but rather just want to wear what they want to wear.  “Why can’t guys wear a skirt?  What’s wrong with men wanting to paint their nails?”






It will never be Okay.  Sad, but true.  Thanks to Hannah for a terrific post.

It's all in our hands

Some wait until a dear spouse is deceased or children are grown while others find ways within the context of their existing lives to deal with their feelings. If any of this were easy there would be a handbook, but unfortunately none exists. The only thing I know for certain does not work is ignoring your dysphoria; don't do what I did.


Joanna contributes to her blog daily, and every post is worth reading.   As is always the case with Joanna, her posts are short and to the point.  It's all in our hands, however, has got to be at or near the top of her best posts ever.  This one is a must read for all who are in that in-between world, myself included.

Thoughts on being transgender

As the year draws to close, I would urge anyone else on this journey to remember that transition is a means to an end, and not an end in itself. There’s so much involved on so many different levels in making it happen that it’s very easy to forget that there’s a life waiting on the other side.



It's been a long year of ups and downs for Ruth, but her attitude is fabulous. Thoughts on being transgender is a well written post that many can relate to.

Transgender Sexuality

I don't like it when I am needlessly poked or prodded. Now, I'm not saying the whole thing was anything sexual but then again, I don't know. I am aware too, women are allowed to touch each other when men normally never do. One way or another, the advances were not liked or returned.






Cyrsti wrote a post.  Connie filed an enlightening comment.  Cyrsti writes a post centered around Connie's comment.  Put the two together, and it makes for interesting reading.  That's what blogging is all about.

The Transition Roller Coaster

Once I realized I had to get out of that hole and get on with deciding to transition, it felt like a rocket ride up, up, up, until I hit the point of maximum expectations, where I thought everything was going to be great. I could do this! I could be myself! All! The! Time! It was going to be and was great!



Ever hear of the Gartner Hype Cycle?  I hadn't. I Googled it and found this:

Gartner Hype Cycle methodology gives you a view of how a technology or application will evolve over time, providing a sound source of insight to manage its deployment within the context of your specific business goals.  (https://www.gartner.com/en/research/methodologies/gartner-hype-cycle)

So what does this have to do with transitioning?  Heather makes the analogy in, The Transition Roller Coaster.  Now, it all makes sense!  I like this Heather!

Matt Kailey's Holiday Coming Out Poem

Some of you may remember Matt Kailey's Tranifesto blog.  Matt transitioned from female-to-male, in 2007. It was a sad day in the LBGT world, when Matt died in his sleep at far too young an age.  His blog is still listed on T-Central.  His last post, Tranifesto Celebrates Five Years, was on March 31, 2014.

This poem was written for the American Thanksgiving holiday but it's just, if not more, appropriate for any holiday where families get together.  In this case, the Christmas holiday. 

 


A Thanksgiving Coming Out
By Matt Kailey
There’s a holiday coming on which we give thanks
For the wonderful things in our lives.
Not cell phones or new cars or what’s in the bank,
But our partners or husbands or wives.

We think of our loved ones as we plan our trips.
To see them will be a real treat.
And we know that the question on everyone’s lips
Will be, “When the heck do we eat?”

Now I’ve been through many a Thanksgiving feast
And lived to tell the story.
I can’t really rank them from most fun to least —
They all seemed a little bit gory.

There was one at my grandmother’s house, when she said,
“Let us each say what we’re thankful for.”
But before we could answer, my drunk Uncle Ted
Was sprawled out like a dog on the floor.

Another time everyone came to my place
With their offers to get in the way.
They crowded the kitchen and took up the space,
But at clean-up, they just couldn’t stay.

Then my sis tried her hand at the family feast,
With enough food to feed twenty-one.
But her poor old dog, Rover, that ungrateful beast,
Got there first and left us with none.

So, what’s really going on here? Are you excited? I mean —


Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends
Is supposed to be something quite dear.
But whatever your means and whatever the end —
Admit it. You’re quaking with fear.

There’s nothing exactly like gathering in thanks,
After wading through mountains of snow
With sweet Aunt Matilda and that slob Uncle Frank
And their passel of children in tow.

Then your psychotic brother
Arrives with his wife,
And you wish that he’d put down
That sharp carving knife.

And your parents announce
A Thanksgiving Day bet
That has something to do with
Why you’re not married yet.

And your nephew, who’s one,
Starts to laugh at his toes
And squirts mashed potatoes
From out of his nose.

And your cousin,
Who’s eighteen going on thirty-three,
Reaches under the table
And fondles your knee.

But the worst thing is going to somebody’s house
Who you’ve never laid eyes on before,
And eating strange food prepared by their spouse
And choking out, “Sure, I’ll have more.”

We all have our stories of Thanksgiving pain,
Of the sacrifice we’ve had to make.
Of the friends that we’ve lost and the weight that we’ve gained
And the turkeys that just wouldn’t bake.

Of the vegetables we couldn’t identify
And the rolls that were hard as a rock.
And the off-color jokes that we just let slip by
While our grandparents went into shock.

Even so, on Thanksgiving, there’s fun to be had.
You just have to know how to do it.
While you’re dealing with relatives, mother and dad,
You can do more than simply get through it.

Have some fun. I did. Here’s how.

One year, my grandmother confessed to me,
“I miss the old songs of my day.”
She sat at the piano, hands over the keys,
And she said, “Will you sing if I play?”

She started a melody, one that I know,
A song that began with a bang.
And I stood up and readied myself for the show,
Then I opened my mouth and I sang (to the tune of “Has Anybody Seen My Gal”):

Six foot two, eyes of blue,
Works on a construction crew.
Has anybody seen my guy?

Studly nose, knows the pose,
Has a million other beaus
Has anybody seen my guy?

If you see a fine dandy,
Handsome and slim
Diamond rings and all those things
You can bet your life it isn’t him

But could he love, could he woo
If you find him, you can, too,
Has anybody seen my guy?
(I really miss him)
Has anybody seen my guy?
(Come back to me, baby)
Has anybody seen my guy?

Well, my father jumped up and he started to scream.
My mother said, “Oh, no, oh, no.”
My aunts and my uncles turned six shades of green.
And my brother said, “I told you so.”

The house was in chaos, the family was crazed,
And nobody knew what to say.
Then my grandma said, “What’s wrong?” She seemed quite amazed
When my mom blurted out, “Oh, he’s gay.”

So my grandmother looked at me, up and then down,
And, at first, didn’t utter a thing.
Then she turned to my mother and said with a frown,
“He’s not gay. He can’t even sing.”

“And look at that hair! And those clothes!”

Though my Thanksgiving coming out could have been better,
There are some things we cannot foresee.
But I’m grateful my cousin, even though I would let her,
Has never again touched my knee.

And as for you —

If you feel like you’re getting the Thanksgiving blues
And fun things start feeling like chores,
And you’re dreading the sound of your relatives’ shoes
As they head up the walk to your door —

Just think of my story as you make your way
Through whatever the holidays bring.
And be glad that you didn’t find out, on Thanksgiving Day,
That your son, or your daughter …

can’t sing.

The power of support

Do you know how wonderful it is to come home every day to a house full of amazing queer and trans humans who have chosen to make me a part of their lives?






Actually, I don't, but we can all find out what 's like by going to The power of support.

Some Sunday Susan time at Starbucks to study.

Now the young man at the counter who took my order has waited on me before and today he told me how nice my hair looked, now I have gotten compliments on my makeup, nails, outfits and general looks but this is the first time on my hair. It did make me feel wonderful. 


If Susan felt wonderful, than this qualifies as a "feel-good" blog.  Read Susan time at Starbucks for more.

Ten Years Gone By

Renaissance. Originally posted Dec 21, 2008

Tonight I went to my first Renaissance meeting.

As you can guess, it isn't a bunch of people discussing Michealangelo. It's a group near me of T-gurls, etc who meet for support and good times. It is a national group, and I attended the Greater Philly group's meeting.

I arrived dressed in normal street clothes, and changed on site, scared as can be. I didn't bring any makeup. Well thats really because I don't have any yet but thats a minor detail. In any case, I wore a new white top and black skirt I recently bought, as well as the red wig from Femme Fever.


In Ten Years Gone By, Sophie writes about those ten years, dating back to her first trans group meeting, on December 21, 2008.  She also links to her re-posted My Space Blogs, which I had not seen on her site before.  It's always nice to go way, way back and read the early posts from one of our bloggers, so grab a cub, read the current post, and then browse those early posts from Sophie.  Many of you will relate to her early early years.  If you're short on time, read this one.

 

solving a puzzle

At times it feels like I am crossdressing to go to work and then become myself in the evenings and weekends and perhaps that isn't far from the truth. You have to make your life work for you in whatever form will fit and that's what I have succeeded in doing. I have built myself an existence that honors who I am while balancing choices I have made in my life.

"Joanna-be-Free", is built into Joanna's web address for her blog.....and free she is to be herself.   I do think she has solved the puzzle.

The Xmas Do

Other than a quick dance, nibbles, and much laughter. it was great to catch up with folk I'd not seen in a while (Sarah & Nicole: both looking fab). Sometimes it can be difficult to fit a regular visit in, so whenever people make the effort to attend, much as time permits, I - and others - make an effort to see how they are.



This is just a shout-out to Lynn and the Nottingham Chameleons, and all of the other local TG groups.  If you haven't joined a group, you should.  Just read The Xmas Do and see how much fun the Chams have.  

If your local group is not shown on the right side of this page, please let me know so I can get it listed.

Relationships

I am far from completely open.  Only my wife and one friend know “both” of me.  Being perfectly candid, if you met me (the real me, the male me), you would have zero suspicion that I am a CD.  None.  Just being honest.








This one, from Kandi, is just the kind of post that I like to feature.  It's honest and many others can relate to it.

Don’t call me that

I did not set out intending to become a spokeswoman for anything or anyone. But over the past couple of months I’ve been involved in two separate events in which I’ve been called an advocate.








All I can say is good for Cat and good for her hospital, in Toronto.  She may not consider herself an advocate but she is participating in a trans related event and a trans related study, both sponsored by the hospital.  How great is that?  Read more here.

GP Appointment. Transitioning?

I have an appointment with a specialist GP working with people seeking gender transitioning. After many sessions with Prof Harte, I’ve come to the point where really the direction I want to go is clear.



Rachael is close to a decision to transition and everything seems to be going her way so far.  I love that Rachael shares her thoughts with us because there are others out there with similar transitioning thoughts who can relate. 

Travel and My TSA Experience

The short answer: 
There was no difficulty either flying out of West Palm Beach or my return out of Cleveland. And yes, that was my travel in outfit at The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and my fly back outfit in the photo shown here. On the return I had on full makeup and an underwire bra (that was not intentional). I presented my Florida male driver’s license (DL), and boarding pass and with no question pass through the identification part with no comment from TSA agent or explanation from me. 

The short answer is above.  The long answer is here.

Thanks to Rhonda for a nice post that I meant to feature a few weeks ago.

Male Privilege

Men just don't grow up with the same problems with potential personal violence threats as women do. I learned very quickly the gender differences when I began to journey out of the closet and into a feminine existence.






It's time for another visit to the Condo.  Crysti's posts are generally short but she always says a lot with few words.  In this one, she comments on male privilege.

Jordan’s Journey

This is me. I’m Jordan and I’m happier now. I feel at ease.






If you're not transgender you'll never truly understand, but reading this post may give you some idea.  It's beautifully written and relates a crossdresser's life from childhood to present.

Women Can

This past week I've been working on a DIY project. We own the special equipment required, and I have the expertise, so why not? More importantly, when the hunky guy came a month ago and gave us (two women with no man in sight) an estimate for the project, it was ridiculously expensive. 






So many bloggers, who have transitioned and are now comfortably settled into their new life, have quit blogging.  It's sad, but I get it.  That's why I'm so happy to feature a post which is simply about a few days in the all too normal life of one of our post-transition bloggers.  Halle, you rock Girl!

Why do some men kill transgender women?

In hypermasculine societies like the ones you find in many parts of the United States, any threat to your male identity is a threat to your social standing in that community, your reputation and your “honor”.
 A transgender woman is by her very existence a threat to this clear cut binary. 


29 transwomen killed in 2017, and it's almost always the men who are the killers.  Why?  Go here for more.

Nadine's Not so Mini Update

E's effects are not always as noticeable.  Thus I love comparing my old favorite photos to my new favorite photos.  That is where I see the most changes.  Most people keep saying - yeah you look happier.  Do you know what?  Something else must be happening.  I can't just be getting happier and happier.  Was I happy when I first got the hormones on 7/3/17?  Yes I was!


It's really been interesting to read about Nadine's life changes over time.  There was a time when transition was a question, rather than decision.  Along with the decision, I love the way this girl makes the most out of her life and her marriage.  In this post, Nadine updates us on her transition progress and includes some pictures comparing then and now.  Back then, she was merely gorgeous.  Now, she's beyond gorgeous!

Looking

I didn't feel sad, but I certainly felt a slight pang that there was a situation I would not find myself in. Certainly with recently close-cropped hair, - yes, my hair has headed south for the winter, and, indeed, spring, autumn, and summer! :-) - the idea of my own locks ever reaching that length (plus, not at my bloke's age of mid 40s) are not to be.


Lynn was looking at the woman's bob hair style in the car ahead of her.  The result was a tad bit of dysphoria, which Lynn comments on in this post.

Feminine Differential - How Feminine Are You?

If you are wondering if people see you as one of the feminine guys, these are 50 signs that might not always scream it, but subtly whisper to those around you that you aren’t just okay with your feminine side, but instead you are trying to steal a woman’s thunder.




Nothing deep in this post.  It's just fun to read, and compare with your own answers, from Rhonda.

Is Wanting Enough?

I’ve always taken the view that when it comes to ones’ trans life, the decisions that are made about hormones, relationship, transition, et al, deep reflection is important in such life-altering decisions. Is simply “wanting” it enough?



Brianna links to a well written piece she did on her BriannaAustin.info site.  She comments on a New York Times article, authored by Andrea Long Chu, entitled "My New Vagina Won't Make Me Happy".

Guest Post From Laura-Ann

Here's a TDOR guest post, with an American Thanksgiving theme, from my friend, Laura-Ann.

 

 

Local Sacramento musician and trans-activist KC Shane sang a beautiful, heart-rending song of hope at the TDOR service held at the Loomis Basin UCC on Sunday, November 18th, and at Sacramento's primary TDOR service at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral on Saturday the 17th. The link to it on YouTube is: 

 

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7VxVbeH3lI] . 

 

I heard it at the Loomis service, which was a small TDOR, compared to the one at Trinity Episcopal; we had only about 30 people attending, but it was no less moving and significant for my life-partner Pauline, and myself. 2018 has already matched, if not broken, all previous records for the number of homicides of transgender people, both in the United States (27), and worldwide (310). I had the great honor to be one of the liturgists at the Loomis TDOR, and I led the reading of this poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay:

Leader: "I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground. So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind."

All: "Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned With lilies and with laurel they go but I am not resigned."

Leader: "Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you. Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust. A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew."

All: "A formula, a phrase remains, but the best is lost."

Leader: "The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love, They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve."

All: "More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world."

Leader: "Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave. Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind."

All: "Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned."

I believe that all human beings deserve to be defined by their deeds, the beauty and love that dwells in their souls, their character, and not by their gender identity, skin color, ethnicity, country of origin, age, sex, socio-economic status, or level of education. We are all in this together, dependant on each other for something, whether it be the food grown by our farmers, the water that is purified and delivered to our homes by municipal water district workers, or the maintenance of the roads we drive on (what I spent 21 years of my working life doing); every human who lives in our society uses some product or service that was grown, manufactured, maintained, or provided by someone else. 

The poet John Donne said this in his "Meditation XVII", 400 years ago: "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee". We are all here for such a short time, less than an eyblink in the long, long tale that will be the history of humanity on this blessed, beautiful Earth. We have been given so many gifts, of which love, compassion, and friendship are perhaps the greatest, yet so much of our world and the societies therein are still mired in warfare, hatred, greed, and senseless violence.

I weep for the 27 transgender women murdered in my country this year. Each of them a mirror that reflects that aspect of who I am that is called "gender identity". Each of those women knew the fear, disorientation, and depression of unresolved gender dysphoria for some part of their lives, as did Pauline and I, and as all of my friends in the River City Gems have known it, whether they are part-time or in full gender transition. Will these murders continue to escalate year by year, until everyone in the trans community is driven back into hiding, or hounded out of our own country, or we all lie dead on mortuary slabs? Or will the good people of the world eventually reclaim the moral high ground, and somehow turn around this societal death-spiral into darkness that our nation seems to be descending into?

Will there ever come a November when all I have to plan for is Veteran's Day and Thanksgiving, and the Transgender Day of Remembrance will be a thing of the past? I hope never to forget the sacrifice of the hundreds of transgender men and women that have lost their lives to violence, hatred, trans-phobia, and racism in this sorry world we are living in. But I pray for the day that I can forget about having to save the date for an annual TDOR service. I pray for the day when no more little kids, who are living somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum, are beaten, bullied, repressed, and tormented by their schoolmates, their teachers, or even by their own parents and siblings, just because they are "different". I pray for the day when all trans people, of whatever age, race, or nation of residence, simply live in joy, without fear, and with as much acceptance in their societies as their cis-gender brothers and sisters. Namaste to all, and I hope for a happy Holiday season for everyone.

Love and hugs,

Laura-Ann Charlot

Sacramento, CA

Not A Life Choice -What About Transmen?

I noted also at First Event, a transgender conference in Massachusetts that they have added Transmasculine tracts over the years, but the focus mainly was Transwomen. I found the anomaly rather curious. Why is it that there are less Transmen? Could it be to the patriarchal society we live in that families have to have a male progeny to “carry on the name”. Could it be that babies born intersexed or with androgynous genitalia were “doctored” to be boys? This has happened and in one case the person, later in life, attacked the doctor who did it to them.


Emma has some thoughts on the subject.

Five Years of the MN T-Girls!

Five years ago the MN T-Girls had our very first outing.

It was held at a coffee shop in south Minneapolis that sadly is no longer in business.  I remember waiting, a little nervously, to see if anyone would show up.  But they did.  I think there were a total of four others who made it that day.  I was surprised that this little event was successful and a little proud of myself that the first event had happened.





It's so nice to see active trans groups out there.  As I've said so many times, it's these groups that provide friendship and understanding to those of us who have felt so alone.  Congratulations to Hanna and the MN T-Girls.  Go here for a nice post and lots of pictures of the group.

TransAwarenessWeek: Skirting Gender by Vera Wylde

Skirting Gender is one of the most positive, life-affirming explorations of crossdressing and gender-fluidity I have ever read. There is no shame, embarrassment, or guilt. There is no talk of regrets, purging, or gender confusion. Vera is a person comfortable in two genders, someone with twin roles to play, twin personas to explore, who is equally comfortable in both.



It's time to feature a book review, from our friend, Sally!  

Well, it’s been a while to say the least.

Walking around the supermarket in my dress was amazing, I really felt quite normal and content, like this was how I should always be. Bought another falafel salad (seriously yummy), dessert etc and did the self checkout thing, though my confidence wobbled a little when I saw the queue. No need to fret though as it moved quickly enough.


I love to read blog posts, like this one from Rachel.  It's just a description of a day of Rachael being herself.  It's what blogging is all about.  I believe this is the first post featured from Rachel, who has been blogging since 2015.

The right frame of mind

Some of the Chams' folk were kind enough to provide their stories on what they get from attending. This is part of us trying to improve our website and make things more personal.





I've encouraged many of you over the years to attend a local TG group, assuming you have one in your community.  I don't know what I'd do without my friends in the Gems.  One of the many active groups out there are the Nottingham Chameleons....The Chams, as Lynn refers to her group.   

In her most recent post, The right frame of mind, Lynn writes about her week (as we can always count on Lynn to do :)).  She also includes a link to some personal Q and A's from some of the Chams.  It's good stuff.  I love the questions, and there's even a trans-guy included.

Suddenly disclosed gender dysphoria

And just because someone has not noticed signs of gender dysphoria, does not mean they were not obvious to anyone open to seeing them. Some children repress their gender identity when they know they will gain only grief for it.






Clare discusses "Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria" and has reason to believe that it really does not exist.  I certainly hid it in many ways from my old-world parents.  Read more here.

10 Years of T-Central!

T-Central will be 10 years old on November 8th. How time flies!  In those ten years, we've had about 2,050,000 page views.  That may seem like a large number, but compared to commercial sites, it's not.  Nevertheless, for a trans related blogger site, I'll take it!

T-Central was established in 2008, by Lori D, an active blogger at the time. Lori's dream was to have a site to showcase transgender blogs from across the "spectrum". She chose the Blogger application to create T-Central, and it has done well by us over the years. We continue to feature interesting blog posts and new blogs on a regular basis.

In 2010, Lori retired from the world of trans-blogging to focused on her transition. She entrusted me with the keys to this wonderful site that she built. A number of links to other trans-related sites have been added since Lori left, but T-Central has otherwise remained unchanged, including the look of the site. Over the years, there have been several co-administrators. Currently, besides myself (located in California), we have Halle, who lives in the province of Ontario, in Canada, and Jenny, from England, in the UK.

Lori wanted T-Central to be a class act, with no ads and no pornographic material. We intend to keep it that way. There are some blog posts with clearly adult material in them relating to hormones, gender reassignment surgery, dating, etc., but blogs with pornographic material are not allowed to be listed. It can be a "fine-line", at times. Our bloggers write about transgender issues, which obviously can include sexual subject material.  The goal has been to keep it clean, fun and educational.

In T-Central's early years, Lori, asked me to write a post relating to not transitioning.  She recognized me then, as I recognize myself now, as someone born transsexual but with the will power and motivation to stay the course and not transition.  When Lori asked me if I would take over the site, I told her that the only reason she would choose me is for long-term stability of the site simply because most trans bloggers just stop blogging after they transition.  Knowing I probably wouldn't would make me a good choice, right?  Lori denied that, but I still maintain that it was as good as reason as any!

Last, but not least, if it wasn't for you wonderful bloggers out there, T-Central would not exist.  I love you all.  Please keep the posts coming.

 - Calie